Possible Amazon Description

[radioDon]

Hello

Now that I have formally introduced myself to the group, I have a request. I am looking at publishing the first of my four completed books on Amazon.

Would the following description warrant your attention:

In a nation where sharing one’s Christian faith and celebrating its holidays is a capital crime, the lives of Russell, a broken, crazy old man; Marie, a dying, embittered woman; and Lisa, a driven reporter converge. As a ruthless government hunts a mysterious traitor, an enigmatic young prophetess intercedes on his behalf. Meanwhile, Lisa abandons her avowed search and rescue of him long enough to hunt for the father Marie despises in hopes of their being reunited before she dies by year’s end. Along the way, a crushing revelation forces her to abandon one quest for the other.

It’s a story of devastating grief and abandonment, self-destructive anger, straight talk and relentless Christ-honoring love that is rebuffed at almost every turn. It’s a foreboding world where the faintest light can dispel darkness; the slightest touch can shatter facades; a kind word can heal a broken heart; and the smallest miracle can usher one into eternity.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

[suspensewriter]

Sorry, @radioDon, but it doesn't grab my attention. I'll try to give it some thought, though.

 

[Hucklebarry]

I'm not good at succinctly capturing highlights, so take this with a grain of salt. It feels like information overload. I don't think I should be meeting your characters by name or title in the book description. You provide both along with many adjectives that give the vibe of overselling. There is nothing for me to associate them with at this point, so you are just using words that my brain has to set aside, yet it still counts against the fraction of a moment that you have to capture someone's interest before they move on.

My question would be, how can you tell me that grief is devastating without using that word? Grief is already bad on its own. So what you are saying is that this grief is more bad than bad. So what it needs is another adjective, "relentless" love to overcome it. What can you say in a few short sentences that tells the reader WHY they need to read this story of love overcoming grief (rather than trying to show how much grief and anger and destruction, etc. that there may be).

 

[lynnmosher]

Yes, I'm rather in agreement with Hucklebarry. I think there are too many negative character qualities right off the bat. As it is, I would not want to read it. Sorry. I understand the backdrop/setup, however, the description seemed to have no redeeming qualities except a tiny portion at the end. I think adding something more positive to your description would woo others to be readers.

 

[radioDon]

Sorry, @radioDon, but it doesn't grab my attention. I'll try to give it some thought, though.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the input.

 

[radioDon]

I'm not good at succinctly capturing highlights, so take this with a grain of salt. It feels like information overload. I don't think I should be meeting your characters by name or title in the book description. You provide both along with many adjectives that give the vibe of overselling. There is nothing for me to associate them with at this point, so you are just using words that my brain has to set aside, yet it still counts against the fraction of a moment that you have to capture someone's interest before they move on.

My question would be, how can you tell me that grief is devastating without using that word? Grief is already bad on its own. So what you are saying is that this grief is more bad than bad. So what it needs is another adjective, "relentless" love to overcome it. What can you say in a few short sentences that tells the reader WHY they need to read this story of love overcoming grief (rather than trying to show how much grief and anger and destruction, etc. that there may be).

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the input

 

[radioDon]

Yes, I'm rather in agreement with Hucklebarry. I think there are too many negative character qualities right off the bat. As it is, I would not want to read it. Sorry. I understand the backdrop/setup, however, the description seemed to have no redeeming qualities except a tiny portion at the end. I think adding something more positive to your description would woo others to be readers.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the input.

 

[lynnmosher]

Don, an additional thought. What you have written is a back cover blurb. The description of your story. You want to pull others in. Entice them to want to buy your book. Many times, a question works well. Like...what happens when...that sort of thing. And as I said, balance out the negatives with more positives. Hope that helps.

 

[radioDon]

Don, an additional thought. What you have written is a back cover blurb. The description of your story. You want to pull others in. Entice them to want to buy your book. Many times, a question works well. Like...what happens when...that sort of thing. And as I said, balance out the negatives with more positives. Hope that helps.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the input.

 

[radioDon]

Thanks again for all of these replies. I am still working to get a handle on this. For an A/B comparison, how does this one measure up?

In a nation where faith is a capital crime, a broken, impoverished man unwittingly becomes a prophet whose “babbling” sparks a revival. As a ruthless government hunts this mysterious traitor, a driven reporter and a dying woman find their fates converging with his. It’s a story of miraculous faith against impossible odds, where the smallest acts of kindness can ignite a revolution of the heart in a world shrouded in darkness.

 

[lynnmosher]

Oh, yay! Yes, yes! That's MUCH better! Congratulations!

 

[Johne]

In a nation where sharing one’s Christian faith and celebrating its holidays is a capital crime, the lives of Russell, a broken, crazy old man; Marie, a dying, embittered woman; and Lisa, a driven reporter converge. As a ruthless government hunts a mysterious traitor, an enigmatic young prophetess intercedes on his behalf. Meanwhile, Lisa abandons her avowed search and rescue of him long enough to hunt for the father Marie despises in hopes of their being reunited before she dies by year’s end. Along the way, a crushing revelation forces her to abandon one quest for the other.

It’s a story of devastating grief and abandonment, self-destructive anger, straight talk and relentless Christ-honoring love that is rebuffed at almost every turn. It’s a foreboding world where the faintest light can dispel darkness; the slightest touch can shatter facades; a kind word can heal a broken heart; and the smallest miracle can usher one into eternity.

Click to shrink...

Using the Story Grid Content Genre framework, that description aligns most closely with a Worldview → Redemption Story
(specifically Worldview Revelation / Redemption) .

Here’s how it breaks down.
Controlling Idea / Theme:
When people confront their own brokenness and receive grace through faith, they move from despair to salvation.

Why it fits:

• The story emphasizes devastating grief, anger, and abandonment transformed through Christ-honoring love and miraculous grace.
• It explores how individuals who are lost (spiritually, emotionally, relationally) come to experience redemption or restoration.
• The society outlawing Christianity serves as an external pressure cooker for internal moral and spiritual transformation.

Subgenre: Dystopian Religious Persecution Story.
Why it fits:

• “In a nation where sharing one’s Christian faith…is a capital crime” defines a Tyranny story — a Society subgenre where individuals or small groups rebel (often spiritually or morally) against an oppressive regime.
• The ruthless government and prophetess interceding for a hunted traitor reinforce the classic Society vs. Individual dynamic.

• Protagonists: Russell, Marie, Lisa — each faces disillusionment and loss of faith or hope.
• Arc: From blindness/despair → revelation of truth → redemption through love or faith.
• Crisis: Whether to surrender to despair or to embrace costly faith.
• Climax: Revelation that demands repentance or acceptance of divine grace.
• Resolution: The faint light of hope overcoming deep darkness — both spiritually and narratively.

This story’s “values at stake” shift along the Faith / Despair / Grace spectrum.
It’s an internal Worldview–Redemption story wrapped in an external Tyranny drama, very much like:

• The Hiding Place (Corrie ten Boom)
• Silence (Shūsaku Endō)
• A Tale of Two Cities (for moral sacrifice and spiritual rebirth themes)

If you'd like more information, you can check my work here:

ChatGPT - Redemption story analysis

Shared via ChatGPT

chatgpt.com

 

[radioDon]

Using the Story Grid Content Genre framework, that description aligns most closely with a Worldview → Redemption Story
(specifically Worldview Revelation / Redemption) .

Here’s how it breaks down.
Controlling Idea / Theme:
When people confront their own brokenness and receive grace through faith, they move from despair to salvation.

Why it fits:

• The story emphasizes devastating grief, anger, and abandonment transformed through Christ-honoring love and miraculous grace.
• It explores how individuals who are lost (spiritually, emotionally, relationally) come to experience redemption or restoration.
• The society outlawing Christianity serves as an external pressure cooker for internal moral and spiritual transformation.

Subgenre: Dystopian Religious Persecution Story.
Why it fits:

• “In a nation where sharing one’s Christian faith…is a capital crime” defines a Tyranny story — a Society subgenre where individuals or small groups rebel (often spiritually or morally) against an oppressive regime.
• The ruthless government and prophetess interceding for a hunted traitor reinforce the classic Society vs. Individual dynamic.

• Protagonists: Russell, Marie, Lisa — each faces disillusionment and loss of faith or hope.
• Arc: From blindness/despair → revelation of truth → redemption through love or faith.
• Crisis: Whether to surrender to despair or to embrace costly faith.
• Climax: Revelation that demands repentance or acceptance of divine grace.
• Resolution: The faint light of hope overcoming deep darkness — both spiritually and narratively.

This story’s “values at stake” shift along the Faith / Despair / Grace spectrum.
It’s an internal Worldview–Redemption story wrapped in an external Tyranny drama, very much like:

• The Hiding Place (Corrie ten Boom)
• Silence (Shūsaku Endō)
• A Tale of Two Cities (for moral sacrifice and spiritual rebirth themes)

View attachment 20188

If you'd like more information, you can check my work here:

ChatGPT - Redemption story analysis

Shared via ChatGPT

chatgpt.com

Click to shrink...

That is an interesting breakdown. Thanks

 

[radioDon]

Oh, yay! Yes, yes! That's MUCH better! Congratulations!

Click to shrink...

Thankyouverymuch... thankyouverymuch...
Okay, enough of that.

Seriously, I appreciate the kudos. But now I feel like William Frawley did when Bing Crosby pitched his song Going My Way to him. I have a sheepish look and I'm stroking my chin because you have me at somewhat of a disadvantage.

There are two problems with what I posted:
1. It's AI generated and I would never use it. I did not specifically request it but it is one of the book's summaries from the ProWritingAid virtual beta reader. I have it on my website along with three others as placeholders until I figure out how to do them right myself. I did not mention that when I posted it because I know and agree with what many feel about AI generated content. I just wanted to know if it was a better approach.

2. Although the overall review generally gets the subject of the book right, it latches on to the subplot used to establish the dystopian setting that makes it the prequel to the trilogy when it generates those. The main plot is about a once normal but now lonely, impoverished man who misses his deceased wife and son as well as his estranged daughter. The Christmas season makes the pain of his losses almost unbearable. His daughter, though a very successful TV station manager, is dying from a disease she contracted from her debauched private life.

So, thanks again for your kind words even though I didn't deserve them.

 

[radioDon]

I hope I am not wearing out my welcome but here is my attempt to rewrite that blurb. Is the opening question too long?

Can Christmas miracles still occur in a nation where celebrating the holiday is a capital offense? A lonely, impoverished old man mourns the holiday's loss along with that of his wife and son. Meanwhile, his estranged daughter mourns the consequences of her poor lifestyle choices. A driven TV reporter and an enigmatic young prophetess combine forces to reunite the pair. In the process, they stumble onto a secret that not only reframes both their stories but also proves that Christmas is still a time for miracles—even at Shadowlands’ Edge .

 

[lynnmosher]

Well, I understand not wanting to use the one by AI but it's a good example to build from. I think the second sentence is a little long. And something puzzled me:

old man mourns its loss along with

Click to shrink...

Its? Am I reading this sentence wrong? I don't understand the its.

 

[radioDon]

Well, I understand not wanting to use the one by AI but it's a good example to build from. I think the second sentence is a little long. And something puzzled me:

Its? Am I reading this sentence wrong? I don't understand the its.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the reply. Its refers to celebrating Christmas and I'll work on the second sentence.

 

[carolinamtne]

Yes, your second try is much improved.

I've been trying to write summaries of my Bible stories, and 'tain't easy!

 

[radioDon]

Yes, your second try is much improved.

I've been trying to write summaries of my Bible stories, and 'tain't easy!

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[radioDon]

Thanks to everyone who has offered constructive criticism and encouragement to my endeavor. I appreciate it.

The more I thought about my last revision, the more it sounded to me like a Hallmark movie promo. Then, in the wee hours of the night, I remembered my hands-down all-time favorite Star Wars movie, Rogue One. While I am not comparing my book to that, it seems to me to have the same kind of pathos as my book, especially near the end. With that in mind, I drafted another attempt at my blurb.


In a nation where celebrating Christmas is a capital offense, an impoverished old man mourns the holiday’s demise along with the loss of his wife and son. Unbeknownst to him, the specter of impending death now haunts his estranged daughter. When a dedicated TV news reporter sets out to reconcile them, she stumbles upon a secret that not only rewrites the father and daughter’s stories but also unveils a flickering flame of hope in the ever-encroaching darkness.


As usual, comments and constructive criticism are welcome.