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Please pray for me, give me advice, and let me know I'm not alone and that you understand.


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I'm really anxious.

 

Here’s the thing.  I can be doing better.  I could be getting over it more.  In fact, I could already be over it.  But I clung to it and let myself wallow.  I am now trying to get over it.  I try to breathe, but I can’t.  While I do get full breaths, I feel like there’s a band around my ribcage, suppressing me, and keeping me from breathing, or I’m wearing a very, very tight dress and I can’t full expand my ribcage when I take a breath, or someone is pressing down very hard on my chest and simply won’t get up.  Or other times, I feel like there’s mucus and phlegm or something thick in my throat that messes with my breathing.  So when I breathe, I do get full breaths, but I don’t feel like it, and it makes me lightheaded, dizzy, and scared.

When I lay down to breathe, it feels like the skin of my stomach/ chest is too small, and I can’t stretch out properly.  I can’t yawn, so I can’t get a deep breath that way.  When I do get a full breath, it brings relief for just a split moment before getting bad.  The doctor says there’s nothing wrong my lungs, and I don’t have asthma though I have a lot of the symptoms.  He says it’s just anxiety.

 

What all is stressing me out:

-       School.  I’ve got so much on my plate right now and I just can’t keep up with everything.

-       Busy.  I’m really busy, trying to balance my jobs, high school, college, relationships, Bible, family, writing, and relaxing.

-       People.  I keep being too busy to be with Aubrey, and that really bugs me, but I have to get done all of my school, spend my time with God, and honestly, writing helps me more than talking with her.

-       Writing.  It’s not the actual writing; it’s the ability to get enough time to properly write and accomplish something.  And I feel upset about my writing often because I feel like it’s very bad and it doesn’t mean anything or that I won’t ever get anywhere (I won’t get published, I won’t make an effect on someone, etc.).

-       A girl whom I’ve had a traumatic experience with that started all of my anxiety.  This relates to my anxiety—I try so bad not to think about her or let her into my thoughts or let her still affect me.  But she slips into my dreams, my self-consciousness thoughts, etc.  So many things remind me of her without me even trying, and it all makes me really sad or stressed.  And only seeing her name on a cast list for a show I’m not even in makes me cry.  I can’t figure out why that upsets me like it does, and I know I need to work through that and get past her.

-       People.  I have social anxiety, and I have the most irrational fears of people.  Just speaking is enough to terrify me.  It’s ridiculous, and I know it.  But I can’t help but be afraid about what people think (not in that sense, exactly, but I don’t know how to explain it).

 

I feel like I bug people when I try to talk to them, so I keep it all in.  Or if I do talk to someone, I can’t express things right, or I feel like it’s really silly or pointless or something, so then I don’t want to talk about it.  And talking to people about me really upsets me, because I feel like I’m burdening them.  Kind of like with my writing—I don’t let people read my writing because if they don’t like it, they might feel obliged to continue reading or say that it’s good.  I feel that way when talking to people about my struggles.  I also feel that they might think I’m just overreacting.  Or I feel like they’re already too busy to deal with listening to me ranting or to deal with helping me.

 

I really, really do try to manage my stress and not stress out.  Mom says that it’s really all in our heads.  But I somehow see differently.  I can’t help it.  Everything terrifies me and stresses me no matter how hard I try.  It’s just like your heartbeat—it’s natural, and you can’t help that it beats.  But I’m trying to overcome it, but no matter what Mom says, I just. . . can’t.  It gets better and worse, but it never really changes.  Maybe it's because she always says the same thing over and over; she says it's in my mind and we can get over it and it's fine--all this positive stuff.  But I need someone to understand, not brush it aside and pretend it's an easy fix.

 

I pray to God, talk to people, read my Bible, breathe (except when I really can’t), and work really hard on not stressing.  But I feel like I can’t get past it.  I’m stuck.  My dad understands.  He completely understands.  He gets that I can’t seem to help it or get it or do anything about it on my own.  But he’s really busy, all the time, and just asking him for help with school (which I need a lot of help with) makes me feel so guilty.  My mom is really busy, too, with all my siblings, homeschooling us, trying to keep up with the house, her blog, and life.  Plus, she’s where several of my difficulties/ traumatic experiences have come from.  But I have a hard time talking to her too, because she just says it’s in my head and that I need to get over it, etc.  I know both of my parents love me and want to help me.  My anxiety just makes it so that I don’t feel like I can talk to them even though I know I can.  I could talk to my best friend or other close friends, but I always feel like I'm bugging them so I cut conversations short.

They say I can go to a counselor.  But that scares me.  I’d have to talk to her (I want to see a female counselor if I do) about my past, something I can barely do for a couple of reasons.  First, I can’t barely think about it with breaking down and being unable to make sense.  Second, my body does this bad thing where I forget everything—everything—bad.  I can’t remember most of my past because it’s a lot of trauma.  I can’t remember what happened in my past that has screwed me up so bad.  But I do remember the pain.  The tears.  The heartbreak.  The daily and nightly panic attacks.  The fear.  I would also struggle to talk to a counselor because of my social anxiety.  It would be very difficult for me to talk to her, period.

 

I don’t feel as bad posting here because you can read this and move on, pretend you never read this.  But if I message someone or talk to them in real life, they can’t pretend they never heard me.  So thanks for letting me rant.

Edited by AJCat29
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   I am now praying for you, and will continue praying.     

   In the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I ask God the Father Almighty, to send forth the Holy Spirit, to give full blessings to you AJCat2; so you will receive all the help you need to overcome everything that's distressing you.  I ask that the Lord will grant you peace of mind and a sense of well being.

   I ask this all in Jesus Name.  Amen.

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12 minutes ago, William D'Andrea said:

   I am now praying for you, and will continue praying.     

   In the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I ask God the Father Almighty, to send forth the Holy Spirit, to give full blessings to you AJCat2; so you will receive all the help you need to overcome everything that's distressing you.  I ask that the Lord will grant you peace of mind and a sense of well being.

   I ask this all in Jesus Name.  Amen.

Thank you so much, William.  I appreciate it more than you know.❤

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I just prayed for you, @AJCat29, and I'll keep praying for you.

 

Here's a favorite hymn of mine: "It Is Well with My Soul." It reminds me that whatever happens, however bad life gets, it is well with my soul. I hope it reminds you of the same 🙂

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

 

Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

 

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

 

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

 

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

 

And some of my favorite verses. Romans 8:35-39:

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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AJC, I think you have too many things going on and you're trying to give equal time to all of them. It's not working. I also think it would be good for you to see a counselor. You are hanging onto so much that it's overwhelming you.  The counselor will help you dig down into what you're suppressing and exposing it will help you get rid of the anxiety. May the Lord bless you with a special touch of His presence and comfort. Praying for you. ❤️

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I completely understand your not being able to tell others about how you feel. Believe me, I am the exact same way. Both of us don't want to tell other people how we feel because we don't want to burden them. I get that. You're not alone in that sense.

But I want you to know that you are more than welcome to PM me if you want to vent or you need advice or you just want me to listen. I've been in that same place you're in right now. In Galatians 6:2, it says, "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." It's okay to share your burdens with someone! If it's not me, that's perfectly alright. Just pick someone whom you can trust and who values you. There's bound to be someone out there.

And I understand the writing thing too! Writing is not as easy as it seems. There's always that pressure of "Would somebody understand my side of this?" or "Will they react to this in the way I want them to?". Every writer on this website--and I guarantee this--has felt this way at one point or another or is feeling this way. But this group is so supportive and so helpful, because we've been in those tight places.

You are not alone.

And I will be praying for you. Don't give up. You have potential. Your story about Sabrina and Ty will go places.Your other stories will do wonders. 

With God's help, you will be (and already are!) an overcomer.

He will not leave you comfortless; He will come to you. 💗💗

And I also want you to know that we love you as our sister in Christ. You can vent to us anytime if you need to.

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@AJCat29, maybe just maybe, part of your problem relates to your vagus nerve.  I can recommend a book titled Vagus Nerve and Polyvagal Theory.  It's available on Audible.  lt's a little technical in the beginning, but once you get through the opening, it's pure gold.

 

But, I'll pray for you, too.

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You are in my prayers, AJ.

 

Listen to me for a sec.  I won't pretend to understand everything you're going through, but I have gone through some very trying, very frustrating times in life.  I know what it's like to feel as if there's no one out there in the whole wide world who gives a hoot about you or what you think.  I know what it's like to be frustrated beyond belief and words.  You are not alone.  You know your family cares about you.  You know God loves you. And all of us here on Christianwriters, we love and care about you too.  Remember, AJ, Jesus promises to never leave us or forsake us.  He will always be there for us.  Draw nigh unto Him, and He will draw nigh unto you.  The Lord says "Be still, and know that I am God."

 

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AJ  Lynn is right. 

 

You have too much going on to handle on your own. It sounds like there is a root cause to your anxiety in your past that a professional counselor would be able to help you safely deal with and move on.  

 

They can also help you learn ways to manage it too. It is a big step to admit you need support but you have already done that by reaching out to us here. Asking to see a counselor is just one more step. I will pray for you to have the sthrengthto do it.

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First of all, you write well. And I'm not saying that to make you feel good. You really do, or I wouldn't write this.

 

Second, I agree with Lynn and Shamrock. Yes, trying to talk to a counselor is scary, but print off what you wrote here. Then give that to her to read. Perhaps add what you had edited out of this post.

 

Finding a good counselor can be a challenge. You could start with your school counselor or perhaps get a recommendation from your pastor.

 

Praying that you will be able to seek the help you need.

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Hi AJ. Wow! That’s a lot of spinning plates you’ve got going there. Many things come to my mind while reading your post. First of all I would like to say that you are very brave to post all of your struggles. I hope that you are feeling the love from all the responses. You are not alone. We are all created for  purpose, and our highest purpose is for us to know and be known by God. Secondly, I have three sons. Let me share a father’s heart for a moment. If they come to me, and it’s not very often that they do, it is a privilege and and honor to listen and or give advice/ counsel. The legacy of a father is one of the most important things he can leave behind here on this earth, if not the most important. That legacy is lived through his children. Please know AJ, that you are of more value than you know. First, to the God who paid the price, and also to the people in your life. 

 May God make His face shine upon you AJ.

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@AJCat29, you are definitely not the only one who feels the way you do. I know that for myself, I sometimes feel that I need to be strong for those around me, that I need to carry my own burdens and help others carry theirs, too. And while I doubt that I've experienced the level of trauma you refer to, I have also lived and survived through one. 

 

First, the ideas of speaking with a counselor and printing out what you posted here are excellent. When I look back at the traumatic experiences I've been through, what helped me through each time was talking to someone. I think it's because when you bury the experience, when you try to keep it under lock and key, it has power over you. Dragging it into the light causes it to lose some of its power and hold over you. 

 

If at all possible, find a Christian counselor who bases their practice on the Bible. There is power in the Word of God, and Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light. 

 

Second, watch out for any environmental triggers you can control. I know that for myself, eating too much sugar can send me into a really grumpy state in which I push people away from me. It's simple, but I know that I have to avoid it for the sake of my mental wellbeing and for the sake of the relationships about me. 

 

If you and your family are not against natural medicine, then maybe research essential oils. Better yet, find an aromatherapist and ask them what they'd recommend for anxiety attacks. I have personally experienced the power of essential oils in managing emotions. 

 

Lastly, I want to encourage you to keep reaching out to people. Find older, mature Christians that you can trust and reach out to them for help. In time and with help, I fully believe that you will be able to heal and then reach out and help others who are experiencing something similar. 

 

I have lived through difficult, traumatic experiences. By the grace of God, I healed and forgave where I needed to forgive. 

 

No matter how long it will take you, I believe that you can also make it through. 

 

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. " 

Psalms 23:4 NKJV

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Just now, Claire Tucker said:

Just wanted to share this song with you as well. 

 

 

It's a beautiful song.  And thank you, Claire, for your beautiful words.  I'll post right here:

All of you have said so many supporting things that makes me feel uplifted, loved, and supported.  I am so thankful for it all.  ❤

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23 hours ago, AJCat29 said:

I'm really anxious.

 

Here’s the thing.  I can be doing better.  I could be getting over it more.  In fact, I could already be over it.  But I clung to it and let myself wallow.  I am now trying to get over it.  I try to breathe, but I can’t.  While I do get full breaths, I feel like there’s a band around my ribcage, suppressing me, and keeping me from breathing, or I’m wearing a very, very tight dress and I can’t full expand my ribcage when I take a breath, or someone is pressing down very hard on my chest and simply won’t get up.  Or other times, I feel like there’s mucus and phlegm or something thick in my throat that messes with my breathing.  So when I breathe, I do get full breaths, but I don’t feel like it, and it makes me lightheaded, dizzy, and scared.

When I lay down to breathe, it feels like the skin of my stomach/ chest is too small, and I can’t stretch out properly.  I can’t yawn, so I can’t get a deep breath that way.  When I do get a full breath, it brings relief for just a split moment before getting bad.  The doctor says there’s nothing wrong my lungs, and I don’t have asthma though I have a lot of the symptoms.  He says it’s just anxiety.

 

What all is stressing me out:

-       School.  I’ve got so much on my plate right now and I just can’t keep up with everything.

-       Busy.  I’m really busy, trying to balance my jobs, high school, college, relationships, Bible, family, writing, and relaxing.

-       People.  I keep being too busy to be with Aubrey, and that really bugs me, but I have to get done all of my school, spend my time with God, and honestly, writing helps me more than talking with her.

-       Writing.  It’s not the actual writing; it’s the ability to get enough time to properly write and accomplish something.  And I feel upset about my writing often because I feel like it’s very bad and it doesn’t mean anything or that I won’t ever get anywhere (I won’t get published, I won’t make an effect on someone, etc.).

-       A girl whom I’ve had a traumatic experience with that started all of my anxiety.  This relates to my anxiety—I try so bad not to think about her or let her into my thoughts or let her still affect me.  But she slips into my dreams, my self-consciousness thoughts, etc.  So many things remind me of her without me even trying, and it all makes me really sad or stressed.  And only seeing her name on a cast list for a show I’m not even in makes me cry.  I can’t figure out why that upsets me like it does, and I know I need to work through that and get past her.

-       People.  I have social anxiety, and I have the most irrational fears of people.  Just speaking is enough to terrify me.  It’s ridiculous, and I know it.  But I can’t help but be afraid about what people think (not in that sense, exactly, but I don’t know how to explain it).

 

I feel like I bug people when I try to talk to them, so I keep it all in.  Or if I do talk to someone, I can’t express things right, or I feel like it’s really silly or pointless or something, so then I don’t want to talk about it.  And talking to people about me really upsets me, because I feel like I’m burdening them.  Kind of like with my writing—I don’t let people read my writing because if they don’t like it, they might feel obliged to continue reading or say that it’s good.  I feel that way when talking to people about my struggles.  I also feel that they might think I’m just overreacting.  Or I feel like they’re already too busy to deal with listening to me ranting or to deal with helping me.

 

I really, really do try to manage my stress and not stress out.  Mom says that it’s really all in our heads.  But I somehow see differently.  I can’t help it.  Everything terrifies me and stresses me no matter how hard I try.  It’s just like your heartbeat—it’s natural, and you can’t help that it beats.  But I’m trying to overcome it, but no matter what Mom says, I just. . . can’t.  It gets better and worse, but it never really changes.  Maybe it's because she always says the same thing over and over; she says it's in my mind and we can get over it and it's fine--all this positive stuff.  But I need someone to understand, not brush it aside and pretend it's an easy fix.

 

I pray to God, talk to people, read my Bible, breathe (except when I really can’t), and work really hard on not stressing.  But I feel like I can’t get past it.  I’m stuck.  My dad understands.  He completely understands.  He gets that I can’t seem to help it or get it or do anything about it on my own.  But he’s really busy, all the time, and just asking him for help with school (which I need a lot of help with) makes me feel so guilty.  My mom is really busy, too, with all my siblings, homeschooling us, trying to keep up with the house, her blog, and life.  Plus, she’s where several of my difficulties/ traumatic experiences have come from.  But I have a hard time talking to her too, because she just says it’s in my head and that I need to get over it, etc.  I know both of my parents love me and want to help me.  My anxiety just makes it so that I don’t feel like I can talk to them even though I know I can.  I could talk to my best friend or other close friends, but I always feel like I'm bugging them so I cut conversations short.

They say I can go to a counselor.  But that scares me.  I’d have to talk to her (I want to see a female counselor if I do) about my past, something I can barely do for a couple of reasons.  First, I can’t barely think about it with breaking down and being unable to make sense.  Second, my body does this bad thing where I forget everything—everything—bad.  I can’t remember most of my past because it’s a lot of trauma.  I can’t remember what happened in my past that has screwed me up so bad.  But I do remember the pain.  The tears.  The heartbreak.  The daily and nightly panic attacks.  The fear.  I would also struggle to talk to a counselor because of my social anxiety.  It would be very difficult for me to talk to her, period.

 

I don’t feel as bad posting here because you can read this and move on, pretend you never read this.  But if I message someone or talk to them in real life, they can’t pretend they never heard me.  So thanks for letting me rant.

Oh sweet AJ <333 I'm so, so sorry! I feel you *hugs* you're not alone in this!!!! God is walking with you right now and holding you. I know it hurts, but you have to be strong ❤️ If you run away from what hurts, then you're turning your back on what can make you stronger! It's tough, but you can do it! And if you press on and don't give up, everything will be right in the end, I promise. Remember: The darker the night is, the brighter God's love and kindness shines <333

 

I love you very much!  You're an amazing person and a talented writer. You can do this! <3333

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@AJCat29, I'm a teacher, and the amount of students who are going through this sort of thing is no joke. I am not saying that they have the exact same struggles or feel the exact same way, but I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

I agree with everyone's advice to visit a counselor and print out what you wrote. That way you will not have to worry about forgetting something in that moment. Starting with your pastor is a good step. That way, you can be directed towards Christian counseling.

 

You sound a little like me. I have had multiple events happen in my life that were so distressing to me that my brain forgot about them. However, for two particular events, the depression they brought on was intense, even if I couldn't remember what started it. 

 

Every time, I remembered the event through speaking with someone. For the two that caused the depression, it was speaking with a counselor that helped me remember the event and start to work through it. They are trained to help you work through your own brain in a non-judgmental way. A Christian counselor has the added bonus of understanding the teachings of the Bible and how this connects to our emotional and spiritual well-being. 

 

God did not make you to live in anxiety, He made you to have freedom in Him. He loves you so much that He died for you, to take away the guilt and the pain and the anxiety. He does not want you to live this way, and He has compassion on you. As others have said, we are not meant to walk alone. He did not make us to walk alone. I really encourage you to find a Christian counselor to share your struggles with. In the meantime, I will be praying for you. God is with you, and that is worth more than anything else in the world. 🙏

 

 

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AJ Cat29: The suggestion to see a counselor is an excellent one. When I saw one in the 1980s, he told me, "Seeing a couselor is  the healthiest thing a person can do for themselves." Also, we have to forgive those that cause us anixiety. If we can't forgive them in person, we can ask God to do it for us. (I have done this when I had a major issue with a member of my family.) 

 

I will add you to my personal daily prayer list. 

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