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With my story for Adelaide, I tend to be frightened to explain the grief and such through the funeral. I've never experience a loss to someone (or an animal) close to me, and I'm apprehensive really to show how Adelaide feels. It's not the format of the story or anything that's making me stumped. I'm just scared to show the emotion because I'm not sure how others would respond.

Advice??

 

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4 minutes ago, Ky_GirlatHeart said:

I'm just scared to show the emotion because I'm not sure how others would respond.

Advice??

I tend to have a hard time writing the emotional scenes as well! But I don't think you have to have experienced something to write about it. For example, I wrote about a character who was an alcoholic. He'd become a Christian and was fighting against his drinking problem. Now, I've never had a drinking problem, but I have struggled with other sins. I used those experiences to help me write that character and his pivotal moments. 

 

You've never experienced the loss of a loved one or a pet, but I'm sure you've experienced grief in some form. Think about those times. Try to imagine how you'd feel if you did lose someone close to you.

 

There's not right or wrong way to write grief. Everybody reacts differently. Just have your character feel sorrow and not get over it in a day or week. Those kinds of things stay with you forever.

 

And once you get the scenes written, put them up in the critique forum. Everybody here will be glad to help you make sure it's realistic.

 

I'll be praying the writing goes smoothly 🙂

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@HK1 is right, people experience grief differently and how they deal with an event such a funeral. There can be many aspects that factor into how someone feels. Grief usually stems from the full realization and knowledge that something is lost and gone forever. That can be related to people, animals, a relationship or even an object that is very sentimental and is destroyed. It may be the thought that plays in your head over and over that person or thing is gone and you'll never see them/it ever again. It may be simply the ache in the heart of how much you miss them that overwhelms a person because sub-consciously they know they are gone forever.

 

But people's grief may be tempered by relief, for example if someone was in great pain due to illness, although it is very sad they are gone, the relief is that they are no longer suffering.

 

Take my family for instance, my mother died of cancer 6 years ago now. My brothers came and said their goodbyes and still to this day they feel the loss of her. I however was a momma's boy and she was like my best friend, maybe due to my disability, but I didn't know how to say goodbye. But I sat with her at her bedside for 13 days before she finally stepped into eternity and that was how I said my goodbye. My father and I were staying in a motel near the hospice care facility and on the morning she left, we woke up late finding both of our phones on silent despite the fact that neither of us had changed the setting. My father found a missed call from the facility 2 hours earlier. If we had been there, she may never had gone home and God knew that. Was I guttered, sure initially, I cried a lot during the funeral, even though it was more a celebration than memorial, and the grave service. My father, a trained minister, actually took both the funeral and grave service as the minister as the last gift to his wife and my two brothers, myself and her brother were the pallbearers.

 

Now the reason I am explaining all this is to show the difference in how my father and I have grieved my mother's passing. Sure we both miss her and sometimes we are sad, but both don't see her as gone, she's just not here. She is alive, with God, on permanent vacation and one day in the future we will both meet up with her when we ourselves step into eternity. But my brothers still mourn her loss especially on her birthday.

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Thank you, but that was my point, to me it wasn't a loss as she isn't lost, she's just not here. I know where my mother is and that gives me hope. Loss refers to a feeling of losing something that you may never see again, but I know that isn't true. I choose to see it that she ran her race and finished with honors and when she finally closed her eyes and then opened them again, there Jesus stood and said "Well done my good and faithful servant". As my father puts it, she was entrusted to us for 42 years and now she has gone home again.

 

It may be hard to explain as I'm not sure everyone can see it the way I see it.

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Just a thought: Grief is not limited to the funeral. Using the funeral to show the grief is missing the days before and the years after. The funeral is only one small part of it.

 

Grief changes a person, sometimes in bigger ways than others, but it's like going from a paved highway to a gravel road (or the other way around). Life is not the same. As time passes, the griever adjusts to a new way of thinking, a way of thinking without the presence of the loved one. For some, it takes longer than others. There is no rule book, no set pattern for how to grieve.

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On 11/25/2020 at 2:29 PM, Ky_GirlatHeart said:

With my story for Adelaide, I tend to be frightened to explain the grief and such through the funeral. I've never experience a loss to someone (or an animal) close to me, and I'm apprehensive really to show how Adelaide feels. It's not the format of the story or anything that's making me stumped. I'm just scared to show the emotion because I'm not sure how others would respond.

Advice??

 

 

First: write it.  Put it away, and then re-read it.

 

Second: There are two types of trauma: immediate and delayed.  Immediate was my uncle breaking down and falling apart as they lowered my aunt into the ground.  They were playing Amazing Grace on the bagpipe.  His legs actually gave way, and he started crying.  I never forgot that scene. 

 

Delayed hits when the grief finally hits them after the funeral is over, everything settles down, and you begin to finally realize you'll never see that person again.  At home, alone, when the day is done.

 

If the scene doesn't feel right to you, you can always change when the moment happens.

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@Jeff Potts has a good point. Sometimes, in the shock of an unexpected loss like Adelaide's, you might yourself (perhaps mercifully) numb for a while, in a "just do the next thing" mode, and not really feel much grief until you have space to do so. Adelaide's mom particularly might experience this.

 

For example, a few years back we lost some colleagues, but didn't really grieve much for them until a couple years later, when I was out of the crisis environment, and suddenly had time to process the enormity of the loss.  I unexpectedly saw their photo on the front of a magazine and lost it...

 

But again, as people have been saying, there's really no wrong way to write Adelaide's grief. Everybody's different.

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Grief colors our response to everything. Take every consoling gesture extended toward the grieving person and imagine how you can twist their reaction.

 

 - One of the doctors who treated the deceased is there: "She had to reschedule her appointment because of you! If the disease had been caught earlier she would still be alive!"

 

- Variations of too little, too late.

 

- Or fears that someone is going to use the grief as an opening to swindle of take financial advantage.

 

- Or jealousy, because the other person's husband got the same disease but was cured.

 

- Or the flowers were too cheap.

 

- Or where were you when we really needed money? She had to sell a kidney to pay for my college.

 

- The priest's blessing included a Bible verse often quoted by a cult member who tried to pressure her into joining.

 

These are caricatures, but be creative. The psychological world of the grieving person is an alternate reality. You can even have a dangerous, manipulative person be the one whose gesture is accepted by the grieving person. The very emotional walls being erected to protect could let in the enemy and keep out the friends, heightening suspense.

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