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Trigger warning

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

I am writing a scene of a man who is literally on the edge of death.   This will be my opening scene in this story that I’ve started. Every afternoon he goes to a bridge to clear his mind, and think.  He’s going crazy in his head and thinking about killing himself.  I need help in showing his emotions and the environment around him.   Here is what I have so far.   Just to clarify, I’m not asking for critique just help in show vs tell. 
 

As Willis sits on the edge of the bridge, thinking about everything he’s been through, looking down, twenty five feet into an abyss of no escape. He turns his head back to where he left his car, wondering, the shaking begins. His nerves shattered like a glass trampled on the ground.

My nerves keep on messing with my head, as water trickles down my body with sweat. Why am I doing this?  A squirrel ran past me chasing a rat behind me. I’m surrounded by tall trees, but this bridge is the only way for me to escape this world. Can I really go through with it?  I can’t believe it's been years since the accident, the accident that ruined my entire life.  God, how can I go on living, take me out of this misery that has haunted my mind for twenty freaking years. Oh how I miss my Christine. She was the love of my life.  I just don’t see why you could have taken me out, instead of her! This is  my last drink of our wine Christine, the 1949 Crest Redwine. I’m dying here without you my love. Sitting here in this freaking wheelchair, without legs is not enough to destroy a man, but losing someone who he loves dearly, is bullcrap. 

 

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I think you’ve got a fairly good handle on this guy’s state of mind/internal thoughts, but you are distinctly lacking in setting your scene. Except for the squirrel chasing the rat, which I have to say was a bit weird, your man Willis seems to be speaking from the void.

It doesn’t take much, though. A few lines of description, sounds, a smell from the river, the discomfort of the wheelchair, and you’re there, and we are too.

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Unfortunately, the writing forum is for discussions on writing. This should be in the critique forum. However, since you do not have enough comments to use the critique forum, I will have to close this. You are welcome to place this in the critique forum once you have reached the required number of comments. Jump around to other threads and leave four other comments, then wait until the system has had a chance to catch up and you can hop in for a critique. But be sure to read the rules there first. :D

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