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Query Letter Help


TDDracken

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3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

a curious little green alien that visited a small city named Anytown

This is probably just one of my pet peeves, but people (and I would include aliens who visit other planets and ask them question) are "who" not "that."

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

It is 402 words long, and covers a variety of jobs

"It" is the subject here, and it has two verbs/predicates ("is 402 words long" and "covers a variety of jobs). Commas are used with lists of three or more things. In this situation, "and" does not need a comma before.

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

a variety of jobs that will entertain, and fascinate children

Again, one subject ("that" standing for "a variety of jobs") and two verbs/predicates ("will entertain" and "fascinate children"). No comma.

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

jobs that will entertain, and fascinate children including baker, mechanic, teacher, and more.

The jobs will include "baker, mechanic, teacher, and more." The way this is written, "baker, mechanic, teacher, and more" refer back to the children.

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

I graduated from college with a mixed Studio Art and Management degree and founded my own video game studio, Dolphin Entertainment, LLC, shortly after graduation with the dream of creating interactive stories to share with the world. 

Too long a sentence.

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

that could one day be shared with his young daughter.

This is a place where the third person didn't switch to first. 

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

The second focus is to capture the essence in novels of the worlds

Maybe "The second focus is to capture in novels the essence of  the worlds ..."

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

Thank you for considering Razmataz Rigamoraz and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

This is two sentences (independent clauses) combined with "and." This "and" needs help in the form of a comma after "Rigamoraz."

 

Sorry about not getting to these sooner. You have a great children's story, and writing the query letter is probably harder than writing the story (even a longer novel).

 

 

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4 hours ago, carolinamtne said:

 

Sorry about not getting to these sooner. You have a great children's story, and writing the query letter is probably harder than writing the story (even a longer novel). 

 

No kidding.  Writing the story was nothing compared to this exercise.

2 hours ago, David Watkins said:

This was a good exercise for all I think? I really like the teamwork to help each other here.

I certainly don't think I could have done this on my own with no experience in writing one.

 

And yet again, here's the latest.

 

=========================================================

 

Dear [Agent]

 

[personal bit about the agent and reason for choosing them]

 

I would like to share a story with you about a curious little green alien who visited a small city named Anytown to find out what the people there did for a living.  “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The things people do” is a children’s educational picture book written around the rhythm of the spoken word.  It is 402 words long and covers a variety of jobs that will entertain and fascinate children.  They including baker, mechanic, teacher, and more.

 

I graduated from college with a mixed Studio Art and Management degree.  Soon after I founded my own video game studio, Dolphin Entertainment, LLC.  My dream was to create interactive stories to share with the world.  Together with a bootstrap startup team I released my first title, Flashback: A Memory Game for the Rest of Us, as a learning experience.

 

Development in the second title, a tank combat game in the e-sports genre, stalled due to schedule conflicts of team members.  During this delay I began developing extensive lore for what would have been the third title and first franchise of the studio.  It was during this time that I discovered a love for the written word and officially halted game development.

 

From then on, I have been pursuing a double focus of writing.  The first focus is writing fun children’s stories that I could one day share with my young daughter.  My second focus is to present the stories I intended to share as games with an eye toward their adaptation into digital mediums.

 

Thank you for considering Razmataz Rigamoraz, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Kindest regards,

Jason Patterson

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9 hours ago, TDDracken said:

They including baker,

One of the problems with editing is that you take out what you think you don't want and discover that the verb form you left doesn't match the new subject. We all do this.

 

9 hours ago, TDDracken said:

Thank you for considering Razmataz Rigamoraz, 

You used quotation marks around the full title in the beginning. That would be good to do here.

 

9 hours ago, TDDracken said:

The first focus is writing

 

9 hours ago, TDDracken said:

My second focus is to present t

Ah! Consistency! Either the "-ing" or "to," but use the same one in both sentences.

 

:)!!!

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I made the necessary corrections and added the clarification that my other focus is to write young adult novels.

 

My mind is still blown as to how complex this is to write compared to even the novel I'm working on.  Yeesh.

 

============================================

 

Dear [Agent]

[personal bit about the agent and reason for choosing them]

 

I would like to share a story with you about a curious little green alien who visited a small city named Anytown to find out what the people there did for a living.  “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The things people do” is a children’s educational picture book written around the rhythm of the spoken word.  It is 402 words long and covers a variety of jobs that will entertain and fascinate children.  They include baker, mechanic, teacher, and more.

 

I graduated from college with a mixed Studio Art and Management degree.  Soon after I founded my own video game studio, Dolphin Entertainment, LLC.  My dream was to create interactive stories to share with the world.  Together with a bootstrap startup team I released my first title, Flashback: A Memory Game for the Rest of Us, as a learning experience.

 

Development in the second title, a tank combat game in the e-sports genre, stalled due to schedule conflicts of team members.  During this delay I began developing extensive lore for what would have been the third title and first franchise of the studio.  It was during this time that I discovered a love for the written word and officially halted game development.

 

From then on, I have been pursuing a double focus of writing.  The first focus is to write fun children’s stories that I can share with my young daughter.  My second focus is to young adult novels that present the stories I intended to share as games with an eye toward their adaptation into digital mediums.

 

Thank you for considering “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The Things People Do”, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Kindest regards,

Jason Patterson

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Hm.  You've given me some fodder for livening up the query letter a little bit.

 

As for mentioning the dual focus, my thought was that it would make me more appealing as an author if I could demonstrate a wider focus than just children's books.  Particularly if the agent/publisher does both YA novels and children's books.  My hope is that if I found an agent or publisher that does both I might gain some inroads towards later getting my novel published.

 

Would this start, or something like it, be too gimmicky?

=====

 

 

Razmataz Rigamoraz!, I would like to share a story with you about a curious little green alien who visited a small city named Anytown to find out what the people there did for a living.  “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The things people do” is a children’s educational picture book written around the rhythm of the spoken word.  It is 402 words long and covers a variety of jobs that will entertain and fascinate children.  They include baker, mechanic, teacher, and more.

 

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Hmmm...how is this educational? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "rhythm of the spoken word." Does this mean cadence/beat or do you mean rhyme?
 

16 minutes ago, TDDracken said:

My hope is that if I found an agent or publisher that does both I might gain some inroads towards later getting my novel published.

 

You have a thought there but I'm not sure. I don't know if that should be saved for later when you have secured an agent. I've always read that you stick to one project. 

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1 minute ago, lynnmosher said:
20 minutes ago, TDDracken said:

My hope is that if I found an agent or publisher that does both I might gain some inroads towards later getting my novel published.

 

You have a thought there but I'm not sure. I don't know if that should be saved for later when you have secured an agent. I've always read that you stick to one project. 

Do you mean that you would like to use the same agent for a later project, and you want the agent to know about this?  If that is the case you might want to be a little more specific about the genre you want to use later, and you will need to research to make sure the agent does both genres.  

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I guess I'd have to edit that part when the time comes.  I sort of would like to have a single agent or group of agents.  I would also like to find and agent who would be able to handle things like video game and movie adaptation rights.  There is also the game design document that I wrote when I was still in the game industry.  It would be nice if I had an agent who could also facilitate it being made by a game studio.

 

So the general advice on this then is to remove excess information if the agent doesn't also handle YA novels.  I'll keep that in mind when it's time to submit.  Beyond that, would this be considered done?

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Look and see if any other authors in their genre use bios in their query letters.

You want the query letter to be perfect before sending.

 

This is your calling card.

 

This is the first sample of your work they will see.

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I plan to edit the bio part according to what is relevant to the agent or publisher.  Beyond that, would you say it's ready?

 

-To Reicher

I haven't had much luck finding examples of query letters to use as examples.  Searching for help on how to write a query letter for Razmataz Rigamoraz! is one of the reasons I did the search that led me to these forums.


The examples that lynnmosher posted seem to vary in terms of what they include.  One has a bio while the others don't.  One other does have somewhat of an accomplishments section.  Without any prior experience as an author the main attention grabber I have is my background as a game developer so I would hate to leave that out.

 

The main thing that I question is to whether I have enough about Razmataz to sell that part.  The delicate salesmanship of a query letter is not something that fits well in with the typical planning I used to do in how to publicize what would have been the title to, hopefully, get my studio off the ground.

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Thanks to all the feedback here and a bit of inspiration I was granted when I woke up this morning, along with a clearer head, I think this is the finished version.  There's a better hook for Razmataz, a more brief bio, and the entire thing is more to the point.

 

======================================

Dear [Agent]

[personal bit about the agent and reason for choosing them]

Razmataz Rigamoraz!, have you ever said words just because they are fun to say?  I would like to share a story with you about a curious little green alien who visited a small city named Anytown to find out what the people there did for a living.  “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The things people do” is a children’s educational picture book written around the rhythm of the spoken word.    It is 402 words long and covers a variety of jobs that will entertain and fascinate children.  They include baker, mechanic, teacher, and more.

 

I graduated from college with a mixed Studio Art and Management degree.  Soon after I founded my own video game studio, Dolphin Entertainment, LLC.  My dream was to create interactive stories to share with the world.  Schedule conflicts during the development of our second title brought development to a halt.

 

During this I developed a love of the written word and transitioned from being a game developer to an author.  My two writing passions are to create stories that I can share with my young daughter and to capture the stories and lore I intended to share as video games in written form.

 

Thank you for considering “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The Things People Do”, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Kindest regards,

Jason Patterson

 

===================================

 

Does anyone have advice on who to submit this too unless there are some other major concerns?

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It's educational in that it teaches about some of the different jobs are that children might one day choose to do and what they involve.  And yes, it refers to the cadence or rhythm that your speech can fall into while reading it.  Try saying Razmataz Rigamoraz out loud and you'll get an idea of what I mean. The rhythm of the syllables in that help to set the pace for reading the rest of the book.

 

At least it was my experience that once you start reading in a rhythmic fashion, you will tend to continue reading in that way until there's a break in the section.  This is why the book is described on the manuscript title as a "Fun read out loud experience" because the rhythm doesn't catch near as much when read to oneself

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3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

During this I developed a love

During this time ???

 

a fun read-out-loud experience

 

I'm so excited for you!

 

3 hours ago, TDDracken said:

Does anyone have advice on who to submit this to

No, but you might check children's books on the Amazon website. See who publishes books similar in style and/or content.

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Rewrote the portion about the rhythm to make it more clear.

 

===================================

 

Dear [Agent]

 

[personal bit about the agent and reason for choosing them]

Razmataz Rigamoraz!, have you ever said words just because they are fun to say?  I would like to share a story with you about a curious little green alien who visited a small city named Anytown to find out what the people there did for a living.  “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The things people do” is a children’s educational picture book written so that a catchy rhythm surfaces when read out loud.  It is 402 words long and covers a variety of jobs that will entertain and fascinate children.  They include baker, mechanic, teacher, and more.

 

I graduated from college with a mixed Studio Art and Management degree.  Soon after I founded my own video game studio, Dolphin Entertainment, LLC.  My dream was to create interactive stories to share with the world.  Schedule conflicts during the development of our second title brought development to a halt.

 

During this time I developed a love of the written word and transitioned from being a game developer to an author.  My two writing passions are to create stories that I can share with my young daughter and to capture the stories and lore I intended to share as video games in written form.

 

Thank you for considering “Razmataz Rigamoraz! The Things People Do”, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Kindest regards,

Jason Patterson

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