This is a story of a personal journey that started in May of 2016. I began to notice a slight difference in my sight. Nothing too major, just a problem seeing at night. Sometimes the light from cars coming towards me bothered me. I started praying about it as my eyes grew worse.
I have never really had good eye sight. This was a problem all through school. Because I was tall, I was always forced to sit in the back. But, then I couldn't see the board. I have worn extremely thick glasses from the time I was two yrs old. In the early 1950's I had major eye surgery for lazy eye. In fact, just prior to this problem with my eyes occurring I was told when I had my last pair of glasses made that they couldn't make them any thicker.
During the Summer my eyes really had begun to bother me. I went to the Veteran's Hospital telling them I had a problem with my sight. They said I had to wait six months to get an appointment to get a referral. Then wait several months after that to see an eye doctor. In September I went back to the VA because my eyes were by this time quickly getting worse my right eye was almost gone. They wouldn't see me and told me to come back when I had an appointment. It didn't seem to matter if I went blind while I was waiting. I went back in November and got the same answer. By this time, I was deeply concerned that I was literally going blind. All I could do was pray and have others praying too about a situation I had inadvertently found myself in. On Christmas Day, my right eye went completely blind. There was light and I could see the outline of my hand if the edge of my little finger was touching my nose. But the sight in my right eye was opaque. I could still see with my left eye but not all that well.
Now, I was really worried that this was going to be a permanent situation. I started praying and thanking GOD for my healing. I had no idea how or when it would come. I just knew that GOD had promised me in HIS word that I was healed. So that was good enough for me simple as that. It was a done deal no questions asked as far as I was concerned. I didn't know or care how it would happen I just knew it that would. All I was required to do was believe. I didn't know what to do next.
The door to the VA had been closed. So lacking the wisdom I needed, I proceeded to pray and ask GOD for guidance. A little while later, I happened to need something on my desk. During my search, I found a booklet advertisement I had saved for some unknown reason with doctors names. My mom had an eye doctor that she really liked. I figured I couldn't wait on my eyes. I needed to see someone right away. I looked for the name of her former doctor. It was in there, so I called. They said I would have to wait three months to see someone. When I explained what was happening with my eyes. They let me come in the next day. I saw a regular doctor that they called in especially just to see me. He said that I had cataracts. The right one had ruptured and it was really bad. He also told me that I needed operations on both eyes. I made the appointment to see the surgeon. I was seen a few days later. He sent me to a retina specialist to have them checked. Then the preparation tests for the surgeries began. In the meantime, I started praying about the up coming surgeries.
I have always been extremely apprehensive when it came to someone tampering with my eyes. In fact, when it comes to them I am down right paranoid. I started praying for a surgeon. But not just any old surgeon. I was praying specifically for one of the top ten best eye surgeons in the country. I didn't want to trust just any surgeon with my sight. I wasn't about to go to the VA. Based on my past experience from a long time ago it wasn't a risk I was willing to take.
My only option was to pay for these operations myself through medicare. and personal finances. I didn't care about the cost when it came to my eyes. When it came to choosing the lens that would go into my eyes or if the doctor should use a laser or a knife. Medicare would have paid for the whole thing if I had gone the cheapest way. But the outcome, the lens, and the longer recovery time would not have given me optimum results. I wanted nothing but the very best. I figured I would have to go into debt to pay for it. I had the rest of my life to pay for them. It would be worth the struggle to have the perfect sight I had prayed for. Besides, I knew the LORD was opening all the doors for me to get the surgeries. I decided to leave paying for all of it up to HIM too. I couldn't get the doctor my mom had.
I looked the surgeon I was given up on the internet. You probably guessed it by now and you are correct. He is at the pinnacle of the top ten eye surgeons in the country. He is one of only a handful of surgeons in the country that would even attempt to do the surgery I needed. Even then if they did do it they would only do one or two in an entire year. The surgeon, I was about to trust with my eyes did this specialized kind of surgery from referrals all the time. He also teaches other surgeons how to do it. The LORD had more than answered my prayers.
The day of my first surgery for my right eye came. I was so nervous I’m about ready to jump out of my skin. They don't put you to sleep for this type of procedure. Instead, they use a kind of twilight sleep. But, because I was so anxious about it. They put me out. When I came around. A male nurse was putting a clear protective cup over my eye. I could see him clearly. I was in complete shock. I could see him better with my right than my left. I was astounded that I could see him at all. Because remember for all intent and purposes, I was blind in my right eye before I went in. I was shouting that I could see in the middle of the hallway in the surgical suite and praising the LORD at the top of my lungs. This area was so quiet that it made a library look like a noisy bookbinding factory.
I think the hospital staff thought I had flat out gone around the bend and was a pretty good candidate for the men in the white coats. I had come into the surgery intake sucking on a rock. The nurse caught me when I took it out of my mouth to answer her questions. She must have thought I was half crazy. Then with my behavior later, it sort of encouraged that impression. The rock was a trick I had learned to help keep from being thirsty. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink after midnight. Instead I sucked on a rock, it worked too. So, when I started shouting you can just imagine what the nursing staff must have thought. I can now easily imagine what the blind men experienced when JESUS healed them. It is an interesting biblical insight to have. The second surgery went by without any complications and it wasn't as dramatic of a shock. Each day my sight has improved. It is like looking at everything on an extremely clear TV screen. The brightness and clarity is stupendous. Compared to trying to see through a pair of extremely dirty windows smeared with Vaseline.
GOD chose to do quite a number of small miracles in closing and opening doors to lead me to the right surgeon. All of them were in answer to prayers regarding the condition of my sight. Some might say that it was just a series of extraordinary circumstances. But to get the people and the events all lined up at the precise time that they were required becomes a difficult question to answer without the acknowledgement of GOD'S intervention. The probability factor against all of these things happening on their own and all with the correct timing I am sure must be astronomical. The LORD also answered my prayers about how I was going to pay for all of this. A non-family member and outside source provided the $7,000.00 to pay for the surgeries.
Anyways, that is the story on my eyes and the answer to all the prayers. said on my behalf. I am praising the LORD for their answers. May all the praise, honor, and glory of these events in my life of course be placed where it belongs. It is freely given to GOD the FATHER through my LORD JESUS CHRIST. It was by the power of the HOLY SPIRIT HE anointed the surgeon's hands. This ultimately resulted in the healing of my eyes. I praise and thank my LORD for all it took to make that happen. I had by faith expected my eyes to be perfect. But the gift of sight I have received is literally better than 20/20 vision. My sight is extraordinary and way beyond simple perfection. I now have better than perfect sight.
Everybody told me from an early age blue you cant do that because of your disability.
So when I got a bad grade at school I just always thought to myself its not my fault its my disability hey I got slow learning and reading so it I could always blame that. But yet something was wrong somehow I knew I could do batter and my family wouldn't like this because this was the fifth time I didn’t pass my test in a month.
So when the lest bell ring in school filling the halls and the classrooms I knew my family would force me to sleep outside in the cold tonight. So as I knew they would do that its safe to say I tried to stay at school for as much as I could but as I would like to never go home I knew I needed to and face whats coming to me.
So as I was walking the halls towards the school doors. someone called my name I turned around and I smile a little it was Emily my friend. Emily was the nerdy girl you know the one who wears glasses always reading always getting A’s in her classes always got rewards for her work a girl who would go on to find a cure for the cold. But for now she was my friend and secretly I did like her more then a friend but why would she ever think of me more then a friend I have a disability I don’t do well in school unlike her.
But as I always starring at her she must have not noticed because she asked to come to my house and I just nodded yes to her. Witch would be ok if I didn’t fail my test again I knew my parents would be mad at me failing a test and then bring someone over. So as we both were walking down the street. I came up with a game and because of the game we didn’t even hear the car coming down the road at 50 mph but as soon as we saw it Emily pushed me to safety. But I wish I could have saved her because as soon as I fall on the sidewalk I looked back in time Emily was smiling wording out im glad your safe and one other thing but I couldn’t make it out because I was balling my eyes out. SCREAMING EMILY name out and thou my tears I saw the car speed right off.
Crying was all I could do right in front of me was my friend and my crush. I guess someone called an ambulance and a cop car pulled up as the same time as the ambulance but after all that happened I had just a blank face on and blood on my hands and shirt. So they asked me what happened but I couldn’t even speak and the shock of this made me blacked out so I guess I got a ride home from the cop on the seen because as I woke up my mom and dad were standing above me yelling at me asking WHAT DID YOU DO IDIOT? I swear to god if you killed this girl im GOING TO KILL YOU. What what did I do? I said nothing again YOU LIAR you you’re a liar and you failed other test you pick. SO BLUE GET OUT GET THE HELL OUT YOUR NO LONGER OUR SON.as I was running with tears in my eyes I asked but w…where am I to go? I DON’T CARE NEVER TALK TO US AGAIN. And slammed the door behind me to let me know I have no family anymore.
So I was thinking and crying at the same time its worth a try to go to Emily’s house. Her family knew me and knew I loved her but would they want to see me would they blame me for her death? I know I blame myself. But if they did blame me for her I wouldn't hand it against them. But as I force myself to walk with tears in my eyes I barely make out two headlights coming towards me when I scream out loud COME ON KILL ME I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR.as I yell kill me to the sky the headlights come to a stop and two people came out of the car saying hey blue get in they were Emily’s folks at first I
just came closer to the car and hit my head on the gill of the car crying I killed her I killed her. And Judy came down next to me and held my head in place saying come on get up you didn’t kill her she choose to save the only guy who was kind to her. She must have know what she was doing pushing you out of the way. So please never blame yourself. But its so hard not to I should have died not her she had so much in her life going and look at me just a idiot. Just then Judy slapped me right across the face why would you slap me you don’t blame me now don’t you? No we don’t but you have to stop blaming yourself. But why I asked as I cry. Because your cant just cry about it get up and well
take you home. Uh….I cant go home im no longer wanted. OMG. Well not to worry blue we our going to your new house if your folks wont care if we keep you. We just have to drive over there and get them to sigh the peppers for us to keep you as our son. We all got in the car and driving to the house that was not even a hour ago kicked me out and said never come back again. The car door slowly open as Judy came out and bring walking up to the house door and ring the doorbell. And I saw that drunken asshole again from the car yelling at the top of his lungs yelling get off my lawn . That's fine sir I just came by to get these peppers sighed to keep blue we know you have kicked him out. YES WE have because that low life pick has no future and if you want him you can keep him then why don’t you just keep that asshole in the back of your car. Ok then sir just sigh him over since he is only 13 he cant leave you guys without you saying he can. FINE you happy his your now don’t ever come back.
Ok ok you don’t have to yell sir I have what I came for now good day.as I see the man close the door he worded fuck you kid. don’t worry blue you'll never have to see them again now lets go set up Emily resting plans and I bring to cry again as her mom said that knowing I see her one last time before I can never see her again. It only was a mile drive but on that day it felt like it took forever and when we got there we walked into the budding where we thought we would never go to. But as we made her plans I kept balling my eyes out and then the guy turned to me and asked would you like to see her?
Her folks told me you loved her. I weakly said yes I did but she never loved me back oh blue Judy said that's not true Emily always did love you she said from the first time she saw you she was in love with you. But she was scared you wouldn't love her because her always was reading books. She always talked about you non-stop. It drove us crazy and we would always joke what is blue your new husband. So I think she saved you for other reasons to. But please we would be glad to know if you got your chance one last time to see her so please go back there.
On that day it was raining. I would think maybe the havens were crying because a angel was taken from her life so soon but I knew why it was raining. Everyone was in black and crying. Her friends and family were there. Then I as was crying looking all round I didn’t get why everyone was looking at me.
Then it dawned on me. I needed to speak bout her witch I didn’t write anything about her but I needed to do this. So I stood up and walk past her resat place I cant help but cry at the thought of never seeing her, her smile, her just her, I walk pest and I said hello to everyone I didn’t have anything written down because I didn’t know I was gonna speak. But I can say some things. I want to tell you all it was 2/08/2012 when we met she come off the bus for school and I was standing right there listening to my ipod and then this girl asked me have she can borrow my ipod witch I said yes to.
So it didn’t even cross my mind what if I don’t see her again there goes my i pod. But god must have had a plan because we had gym. So I said hi my name is blue then she said her name was Emily. she was great and cute Im so very sorry I should be in that box and she should be up here not me. Im sorry I cant talk about her anymore its hurts so much I loved her so much and I never told her. Im such a idiot. Oh come on blue the mother says don’t think that way not here get up. As I was getting up someone yelled out its your fault she died. Get him some other guy called out hey shut up there cant you cant you tell blue blame himself already? I should punch you but in respect of where we are im just gonna say you batter leave. i brought myself to look up and saw who was yelling it was my dad walking away with my bother the one that cant do anything bad by him so I just let them go and hoped I would never see them again. Ok blue come on lets get to our seats now you'll never have to see them again if you don’t want judy whispered in my ear as we seat down. I looked down the row of seats and saw her dad in tears. And then I seat back and before I knew what was going on they lowed her into the ground while a someone read a letter that she wrote years ago. And
it said if I go before my time comes I want you all to know I think of you all as my family to my mom and dad im so thankful I grew up in the house that I did. And I love you guys so much but please don’t cry for me as im going to haven and meeting god my pain of being bulled is no more. So please even thou im gone please go on with your life as nothing has changed that is my wish for you. Now blue its true we have not have knew each other for long but since the day I asked to bower your ipod and you said yes I knew after that we would be friends and I was right. But over the past year I should have told you I had feelings for you more then a friend I just never knew how to tell you. But anyway goodbye.
And with that the workers put dirt over it and we all in our cars with still tears our our eyes still not believing shes gone. But she is and we all have to face that fact. Later that night while I was in my new room at the house I will call home from now on. Laying in my bed just thinking over today and wounding if I could have done anything to have the income not as it is. Well maybe I could have said lets not game in the street maybe we could have walked on the sidewalk. Then I woke from my brought by a noise on the door. Hey blue can I come in? Yea sure as the door opened it was my new mom JUDY HEY WHAT YOU THINKING BOUT BLUE oh you know how a few hours ago Emily was alive and was walking home with me. If she didn’t walk with me she would still be here. You must hate me I know I would.
Oh oh no no blue Judy said as she wrapped her arms around him and bring him in tight we don’t hate you we love you as our own now and I know what you were thinking of but please things happen for a reason we just have to hope that we can get thou this. So go back to sleep honey as I lay down she kissed me and said we think about that to but we all have to get on with life.the day after that was about the same I knew school would be hell without her so knowing this I packed my backpack and started walking to school going past the glass case in school brought tears back to my eyes seeing her name on so many rewards my hands on the case but I couldn’t stay there for long because my name was called by Liz the head of the school so I brought myself up to her office to listen to her just saying I know what happened to your friend must be hard for you but that doesn't mean you can just slack
Of Ok miss.
A few hours later when I was walking home I just happened to bump into this girl that didn’t look like she ever walk in this town before as I reach my hand out to help her stand up I saw a baclet on the name on it was nagisa nice name I told her I never heard that name before. Thank you nagisa said to me it means a clam beach. People say that meaning is peaceful to them but I think its just a name. But thanks for helping me up but who are you oh I didn’t say im sorry my name is blue. And its nice to meet you but im sorry I have to run. And as I ran away I was just thinking of what I was gonna do when I got home I wounder if mom and dad will have a talk bout my new life with me.
Reflective and still I am today, though there is a current below the surface, unseen by the passing eye. If you look closely however, you may see a slight disruption in the otherwise gentle consistent flow of life. This disruption runs deeper than most, only those attuned to my essence would realize that something is not right. Not wrong exactly, but not as it was meant to be. As you reach to touch, warmth should meet your hand. As fingers break the surface, you almost expect simply the benign heat of a loving heart and not also the sharper, hotter sensation of agitated energy within. The conscious mind is always aware, yet adept at hiding its tumult from not only the outside world, but from even myself. Though, in times of great distress, hurt, sorrow and anger, my reason is overpowered with the intensity of feelings beneath, and the course of life changes, becoming rapid and unpredictable. You would not want to venture near on those occasions, lest my banks flood with overwhelming pain.
Eventually, hot tears stream down and add themselves to the increasing depths of my anguish, they cannot be halted by you ar I. There is a sadness so complete and a confusion so dense that you will not find a way to speak to my inner self. I do not see the slate gray clouds sweeping in from the west; my unfocused. tear-filled eyes seem to look into the turbulent swirls and eddies as I kneel at the water’s edge with my head bowed. I cannot hear the gusting wind whipping through the tree branches overhead, only that of the current, running swift and strong. I choose not feel the rain that falls hard and fast, driven by the gale to land like a volley of liquid icicles on my head and neck, soaking my hair and clothes alike. I am unable to smell both the dampness of air and of earth, since my nose is congested with weeping. I do not taste the rapidly cooling air of impending change; instead a warm, salty solution enters my open mouth as I gasp.