Having had the privilege and opportunity of being able to look back over my life now, I’ve come to the conclusion that, after my initial encounter with God so many years ago as a kid, something had been set in motion within me. It was as if I had been marked somehow, set apart and I wasn’t meant to fit in anywhere, because there was a greater purpose and plan for my life, that only would be revealed in time. Although my life had been set on a negative trajectory, because of the outside influences, events and circumstances that were brought Into my life, I still couldn’t find peace or accept the direction my life was going in. No matter how bad I wanted it or even how comfortable I felt in it. Still, it was a driving force and a major influence in every aspect of my young life back then and even today I can’t escape the negative influences, yet nor can embrace them.
There were so many times, that I felt like I didn’t belong in this era or time and space. Like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t think the same as everyone around me, I didn’t see life the same way as others, but I could not escape the reality I found myself in. So I made myself adapt to my surrounding, like a chameleon. Like so many of us do. Knowing all the while that I was lying to myself. This was not where I belong. This is not who I am. I have grappled with this mindset for years and still do to some extent even to this very day.
Maybe the answer is this. I am a firm believer that if God has a calling, purpose and destiny for your life and I believe that all of has one, that no matter how hard you might try to venture from it or the obstacles that may come up to try and block your path, someway, somehow God will always bring you back to face your ultimate purpose. You want be comfortable in your own skin until you are aligned with what it is He’s destined for you to do, be or accomplish. NOTHING or NO ONE else in this life will satisfy.
It was just like the old school block shapes set I use to play with, I couldn’t fit the square peg piece into the circle’s opening. It just would not fit no matter how hard I tried to force it. In the end all I was was frustrated and upset, wondering why it would not fit. The conclusion of course was, it wasn’t meant to be. That has been my experience all of these years. As much as I might tell myself that the negative lifestyle is what I want and I believe it is who I am or as hard as I might try to make myself fit in it, He just want let me be comfortable in it, because For Me it’s not what He ultimate wants for My Life.
Now my life experiences might say otherwise. There were so many damaging events that had taken place in my life that have carved or paved a clear path to what it says I should be. Because of those influences, here I am grappling with the same age old problems and issues I dealt with as a kid, teenager and now adult, trying to find my place and purpose in this world. I know the good that I’m capable of now. I’m well aware of my skills, talents and gifting. I know what kind of impact I could have on the world around me, but. That word ‘but’ stops everything in its place. Because here comes the excuses. Here comes me talking myself out of what I know I should be doing. Here comes the hundreds of excuses of why I can’t do it or want do it. In the mean time, time and opportunities are passing me by daily. What am I suppose to do, I ask myself?