Request for Wisdom

[kilohertz]

Hi all! This forum has been such an encouragement to me- the Lord has granted so many of you wonderful portions of knowledge and wisdom, and I need help again!

Around the 4th of July, my sister met a guy. She moved in with him two days after she met him (He had just arrived from out of state) The first time I met him, he continually and foully cursed, dropped racial slurs in front of my children (who are 4 and 6, and biracial), and drank to excess. This continued the next time I saw him. That night, he got drunk, punched in the windshield of my sister's car, smashed her cell phone, and chased her to the police station. He spent the next two days in jail. She promised never to see him again.

She got back together with him. My husband and I have decided not to allow him access to our children. I can't control her decisions or her life, and have not offered or been asked for my opinion. However, she recently sent me an e-mail attacking me for alienating her and telling me that I have to accept him because he's not going anywhere. She says he's changed, although I have no evidence one way or the other. They moved back in together- and she justifies his behavior by saying he had a bad childhood. Further, she says that I should understand anger and arguments because of the last two years of my own marriage (My husband and I were in a perpetual state of arguing because of an affair- but never was there violence. Anger, yes. But not violence)

Now, she wants more contact with my children and wants to force my family to accept him. I have laid this at the feet of God- I wrote her and told her how we felt and why, and made it clear again that he is not welcome around our children. I want to temper the emotional response with wisdom and kindness. At the same time, I don't want her anger to manipulate the situation.

My husband's Buddhist friends have counseled us to stay away from him- and to move away to a more nurturing environment. I need Christian wisdom. I have sought the Lord's counsel, and need prayers for discernment.

Thanks for listening!

With praise to my faithful and awesome God!!!

kilohertz

[NuWriter]

um,
I am no expert, but I know one thing, you should not think you are forced to accept this trash from them! Don't! I can't tell you what to do, i don't know what I would do myself. But do NOT get brainwashed by this!
Praying for u

[paulchernoch]

Dear Kilohertz,

I can empathize with you. I was once in a very different situation, yet not so different. A roomate of mine had far too many problems for me too handle. As a Christian I did not want to give up on him or ask him to leave, but I was an emotional basket case over the affair. In the middle of this I visited my family. On the bus ride home from Schenectady I was full of anguish over the situation I was returning to in Massachusetts.

Then a strange thing happened. Though the bus was crowded and noisy it was as though someone took a volume control and turned it way down. I could still hear the people talking, but only just barely. A peace entered my heart and I heard these words inside my head: "True love, and not emotion."

I knew what I was supposed to do. I told my roommate that I could no longer have him stay with me, and did not try to make excuses. I told him straight that I was unable to bear the whole load of his problems. He took it well. I helped him secure another living situation on the other side of the city and we remained friends. Some time later he ended up getting an apartment next to mine. The distance was just right, and enabled me to help as much as I was able, and no more.

The risk to you and your children is one you are not able to bear, nor one you should bear. You should be straight with your sister and tell her you only have room in your family life for safe people - children are not adults and should not have to bear the kinds of risks that Christ may often call upon adults to bear. If that man is to remain with her, you can say that he will be welcome when he has demonstrated over a substantial period of time (years) that he is worthy of such trust. That should probably entail frequent interaction between you and your sister outside of his presence. If you are smart, you will be able to tell from how she acts whether he has been abusing her emotionally or physically.

My former roommate was a very angry man, and one who suffered much in his childhood. Such people seldom change quickly. "Do not rescue an angry person, or you will have to do it again," it says in proverbs. Expect relapses.

I would say more, but have to get my kids. God bless you and your decision. Love your sister, but do not be manipulated by her. It may be that she is afraid to protect herself and wants you to be there to protect her. That ought to be the job of the man she marries. She should not need protection from him, but by him. Her anger is an expression of her fear. So long as she is angry, she is probably afraid, and he is still not safe.

- Paul

[FireFeet]

DELETED for personal reasons...just really don't want some Yahoo Slurp Spider to get its slimey tentacles on it....

[kilohertz]

To nuwriter: Thanks for sharing your thoughts and support. It's sometimes so difficult not to get caught up in the emotional aspect- and then what's right falls right into the gray category. I appreciate your words...

To Paul: At times like this, I am so thankful to be part of God's family- He is able to use situations that are so far removed from my life in a way that blesses me personally. Thank you for sharing- you are right that this guy's life will not change overnight. It's a point that really needs to be considered. Thank you for sharing your story.

To Firefeet: May the Lord bless you for sharing your story with me. I know that putting yourself out there like that is scary and uncomfortable. I think that your experience is going to be a huge blessing to my own parents, who are currently struggling with how to deal with this. God is so much bigger than we can imagine- that your struggle and pain will bless not only my approach to my sister, but that your experience will help another family in a similar situation. I will keep you in my prayers- that the Lord will continue to bless and keep you in His hand.

Thank you all for your prayers- I am just learning about the power of prayer. It's hard for me to ask for it, but God is so great. Even in the midst of difficult circumstances, He reaches right into my life, using others in the body of Christ. How awesome He is!