Your opinions please

[dcress]

"He wears his Bravado like a cheap cologne, trying to mask his fear, but you can always smell fear. Always. In Africa, superstition is the major fuel for fear."


You may not be able to judge this statement on it's own, without the rest of the story, but that is what I want it to do - stand on it's own.

Do you feel it catchy and dramatic. Can you see the President of South Africa explaining a warlord to the person sent by the USA to take down the oppressive warlords bent on genocide for the sake of power and control of the drug trade.

Thanks and God's Grace

[vpwriter]

This might just be me, but it sounds a bit too cliche' to grab me to be perfectly honest. I think if it was reworded, it might catch others better. The flow is also a bit off as well. Its like you are trying to cram and connect the idea of a mask and fear all together without smooth transition for the ideas.

[lynnmosher]

dcress, You could say...

...trying to mask the stench of his fear...

One other thing, why did you capitalize Bravado?

[dcress]

dcress, You could say...

...trying to mask the stench of his fear...

One other thing, why did you capitalize Bravado?

Lynn, Thanks. The B? Only because I hit B instead of b.

I'll rework the line and repost. Thanks to you and VPwriter.

[dcress]

"In Africa superstitions permeate our culture, it is the fuel that drives fear for both the peasant and the warlord. The warlord tries to hide his own feelings with a great show of bravado, but it is like a cheap cologne that cannot mask the scent of his fear and as he escalates the violence in his war for power and control, his paranoia grows with it. We can use the supersition and paranoia as a weapon against the warlord."

Okay. Try this one. All suggestions welcome.

[Tarin]

IMHO, it seems a bit too dramatic for a line of dialogue... too overdrawn.

[vpwriter]

"In Africa superstitions permeate our culture, it is the fuel that drives fear for both the peasant and the warlord. The warlord tries to hide his own feelings with a great show of bravado, but it is like a cheap cologne that cannot mask the scent of his fear I would suggest starting a new sentence here so the sentence isn't too long. As he escalates the violence in his war for power and control, his paranoia grows with it. We can use the supersition and paranoia as a weapon against the warlord." I think if you lopped of the last sentence, you could leave yourself alot more avenues to work with and leaves the reader asking questions.

Overall, I like this alot better. Much better flow and gets your idea across alot more.

[dcress]

IMHO, it seems a bit too dramatic for a line of dialogue... too overdrawn.
Tarin, Thanks. I get dramatic. I actually want it to sound dramatic as I wanted the statement to sort of stand alone even though it ties into the rest of the story and the preceeding book. This is a second in a series.

As to overdrawn, I'm not sure I understand your meaning there. Is it too long? Is it not going to stand alone as a statement by its self? My reason for trying to get it to stand alone was to be memorable a bit later as it plays to the act of creating and manipulating the superstitions for the purpose of perhaps being able to take out a warlord without having to kill him.

I sometimes get high on my own stories and go off in different directions as the energy carries me because some of the things I incorporate are actual experiences and I know that when we had a plan it was apt to change again and again as the circumstances change and these explosive situations change on the run.

[dcress]

"In Africa superstitions permeate our culture, it is the fuel that drives fear for both the peasant and the warlord. The warlord tries to hide his own feelings with a great show of bravado, but it is like a cheap cologne that cannot mask the scent of his fear I would suggest starting a new sentence here so the sentence isn't too long. As he escalates the violence in his war for power and control, his paranoia grows with it. We can use the supersition and paranoia as a weapon against the warlord." I think if you lopped of the last sentence, you could leave yourself alot more avenues to work with and leaves the reader asking questions.

Overall, I like this alot better. Much better flow and gets your idea across alot more.YES! I like it and that works. I am incorporating your suggestions and getting back to work. You know, sometimes words just don't work in our mind until someone else puts them together for you.

Thanks again.

[Tommie Lyn]

I understand your wanting the ideas in that paragraph to be expressed in your story. However, when expressed as dialogue, it seems a bit heavy and contrived, because people don't generally talk like that to each other. Not even presidents. Unless, that is, they are making a speech to the public. Perhaps there would be another way to include the ideas in your story.....

[DrRita]

dcress . . .
I understand your wanting an opinion but you are skating the line my friend. This should honestly be in the fiction workshop . . . it's a critique of a paragraph.

From the TOS:

- No creative works are allowed outside the designated areas. This includes poetry, articles, lyrics, stories, devotionals, composed prayers, or any other item for which it appears you are seeking feedback, critique, credit or recognition.

Feel free to post this in a workshop but for now I will have to close this thread.