Need Character Insight

[Tamera]

In the book that I'm currently writing, I have a minor, but important, character who is a seventeen year old girl in the old west who runs off with an outlaw. She doesn't know he's an outlaw, but when she finds out, she stays with him. Also, he abuses her and doesn't marry her. She finally ends up having a baby. Her parents are good people who would take her back. But she's in love with him and doesn't want to leave.

Here's my question. I'm having a hard time writing this mindset in the girl because I don't understand it. What is she thinking? Why would she stay? And what would it take to get her to leave even though she still loves him? I've rewritten this about ten times and it still comes across as a cardboard characterization.

Anybody who's had a friend or family member in this kind of cycle, could you help me know what's going on in her head?

[Timber Wolf]

You said the parents are good people and would take her back. Does she "know" that. My mom quit HS and left home and met and married my alcoholic dad, and had me just 2 mnths after turning 19. Part of that, I believe, is that my GP was, not abusive, but overbearing, demanding, etc. Mom did finally leave my dad when I was about six (1st grade, or so).

What's your reason for having her stay? Is it realistic for the period?
Is it somehting you're forcing the character to do for the plot?

What was it about him that made her "fall in love?" Is she simply being rebelious against her parents? and not wanting to admity she was wrong and have to return home and admit to them he was "no good for her," as the parents had told her (maybe that's why she ran off to begin w/ - to "prove them wrong" type of thing.

Just thinking outloud.

Girls tend to be attracted to the types of men their fathers were (so says Dr. Dobson, etc.)

[PattyU]

I worked as a Victim Advocate in the Columbus Prosecutor's Office for several years. My educational background is in Social Work, although I now work as a Children's Pastor. I've worked on hundreds of domestic violence cases since sometimes I would interview up to 12 victims in one day. You can PM me with specific questions and I will try to help. I might not get back to you until Sunday night.

Most domestic violence victims stay with their abuser because they really love him. Most abusers are men, so I'm using gender specific terms. He wouldn't be abusive all the time. He would be caring at first, and very remorseful after the violence. She loves him and could forgive him as he promises not to do it again. Violence in a relationship escalates, so it would gradually get worse. There really is a cycle of violence that gradually escalates. She would probably be more accepting of the escalating behavior because it worsened gradually. Many victims are emotionally and financially dependent on their abuser. He would gradually demean her and lower her self worth. I know you write historical novels. I think it would even be worse in the past because she would be no longer a virgin and less able to find another husband. The baby would make her even more dependent. Abusers also isolate their partners, so he could separate her form her parents and convince her that they would not take her back. I'm typing this quickly as my husband and daughter just started a DVD that I suggested. Please excuse any typos or gramatical errors.

SO the abuse escalates so gradually that she would accept worse behavior as the relatioship continues. She may be isolated from her family and have a terrible self worth. She loves her abuser because he is sometimes very loving and remorseful. I hope this helps.

Here's a link to an article that may help.
http://www.pbs.org/kued/nosafeplace/studyg/domestic.html

[Tamera]

Thanks, Patty. Your comments really helped. I have an idea now on how to write it.

TW, this is in Wyoming in the 1870s. She is being rebellous when she leaves with the man. Then she's afraid to go back because she knows her parents are right about him. I thought at first I would have her leave him right away, but it just didn't work. It was forced. She gave up everything for him, so she needs to stay.

One question Patty. If the violence escalates with periods of romance in between and she feels like she has nowhere to go and couldn't get away if she did, would fear of abuse toward the baby and finding where the man hid a lot of money while he was out of town help her to leave. Would that make sense with the characterization even though she still loves him.

[PattyU]

The money would help her be able to leave. Victims are often afraid to leave. A desire to protect her child would be good motivation, but she may initially think he would not hurt the child the way he hurt her. Perhaps if he threatened the child, she would find the strength to leave.

[kriswrite]

These are complex questions. I would go to a battered women's shelter and talk to some counselors.

Both my mother and sister stayed in abusive relationships, and there is no one answer for why they did this. Sometimes it was "But I love him." Or "he needs me." Sometimes it was "I can't get anyone better." Or "things will get better when (I loose weight, we have more money, he gets a better job...). Poor self image is another common factor.

But again, I think you'll get the most realistic character if you talk to some counselors...and, if they can point you to appropriate women, some formally battered women.

Kristina

[Timber Wolf]

I'm just thinking kids were raised to be more respectful than they are today. Today kids are almost encouraged to be rebelious by distant, un-caring parents, the media, etc. I'm wondering if I picked up this book would I believe it to be feasible. It could be that she was older when she left home to be w/ him, and then she could still have the same prblms, or does the plot work around her being younger? You did say she wasn't a MC, correct?

I'm not saying the prblms w/ abuse didn't happen, I'm jsut wondering if it is realistic to have her leave home at such an early age, even if she is being rebelious.

[jacks girl]

I would consider her finding her outlaw with another woman. She could feel the greatest betrayal and also i know her background a little from reading your story and this would also allow her to be free to step out of the marriage. Once he'd cheated on her.

women love these men and always think if they stay they can change them. They want to be loved so badly or are in love with the person so badly that they will do anything for them. Stay with the man and put up with abuse cause they are so sure their love for them will fix all of the problems given enough time.

[Tamera]

Thank you for all the comments. They helped. I have a lot to think about before my next rewrite.

[TanyaSue]

You've received a lot of great comments and advice here. I'll just add my two cents from experience -- both witnessing my parents unhealthy relationship and being in them myself.

Women in these relationships usually have wretched self-image. They may come off as tough and defensive, but they are defending their men or their decisions, not themselves. We don't think we deserve any better. Maybe it's the only way we've seen relationships; this is the way it's supposed to be, the way it is for everyone. I was borderline suicidal because of how low this particular man made me feel. He convinced me I was wasting oxygen that should have been breathed by someone more worthy. And I loved him. Why would he lie to me? After he left, God miraculously opened my eyes. It took a while, but eventually I recognized that most people didn't live like I did.

Secondly, if the woman doesn't have a poor self-image, she stays for redemption. She belives he'll change and she's the woman who can make him change. She sees his potential, not his reality. If she just stays a little longer, he'll realize what he can be and how amazing she is to have stayed with him all this time. She staying out of loyalty and the hope of eventual rewards.

Third, the unknown is scary. It's always easier to stay with the familiar. This is the biggest reason people don't leave. They know the patterns of their current relationship and life. They know what to expect. What if leaving just makes things worse? What if life alone is harder than life with this person? Besides, there are some good times. What if I lose the good times with the bad and then everything is all bad?

The age thing, I think, is absolutely fine. Back then, people married younger -- like around 16. I left home at 17 and that was now, not in the old west.

Getting out ...This is really tough. I have an abusive father. He ultimately chose to cut off the relationship with me because I wouldn't live by his "rules". He wanted our relationship to work his way or no way. There are still days I think it's my fault and if I only tried harder to make it work ... I still want to restore that relationship believing it will be different this time. I can't explain it. I can't say why I still long for a connection with him, but I do.

Two things keep me from re-entering that relationship: my children and an objective point of view. My children are far too precious to be exposed to the abuse I endured. I won't allow it. Then the objective perspective (from someone outside the relationship) reminds me how unhealthy the relationship was, how little my father has changed and how future attempts would offer the same results and heartache as the past.

The only way out is a change of mindset.

Sorry for writing a book here. :) Feel free to email me if you want to discuss it further.

[Tommie Lyn]

I've rewritten this about ten times and it still comes across as a cardboard characterization.


You've received a lot of good insight and advice about abusive relationships -- I'm sure those will help you with writing that aspect of your character and her situation.

However, if the character is coming across as a cardboard cutout, it may be that you are focusing on that one aspect of her situation to the exclusion of her other qualities.

Every human being is a mass of attitudes and abilities and ideas -- some of which are contradictory, conflicting and confusing. Maybe revealing some of those other aspects of your character's personality during the rewrite will make her seem more rounded and human -- and will add more interest to the story.

[Louchiere]

Anybody who's had a friend or family member in this kind of cycle, could you help me know what's going on in her head?[/QUOTE]

In most cases, a girl gets used to the treatment, and assumes there's something wrong with her and thats why the guy doesn't love her and treats her mean. So she stays with him to prove her worth, to herself though rather than to him. Or sometimes, love is truly blind, and it takes a strong force to open the persons eyes. But mostly it's just they feel they are worthless, their mind gets confused. You might bring in a new character that opens more doors to her worth, and life, and makes her question her love for the guy that treats her mean...Hope this helps.

[Tamera]

Thank you, Louchiere, Tommie and Tanya, for the very helpful comments. I have a real feel now for how to write the character and why it wasnt' working before.

[Timber Wolf]

I'm wondering if you might want to show her having this kind of troubling relationship w/ a boy from town, before she meets this outlaw and runs off w/ him, to show she maybe had a history of this?

[Tamera]

This outlaw is a real charmer, goes around seducing young girls. And nobody in town knows he's an outlaw yet. I want to show her as a slightly rebellous and niave young girl who is totally fooled and seduced by an evil man.

[Lookin^Up]

Sometimes it was "But I love him." Or "he needs me." Sometimes it was "I can't get anyone better." Or "things will get better when (I loose weight, we have more money, he gets a better job...). Poor self image is another common factor.
Recently I acquired a DVD of Oliver! because I'd read the book in high school and seen the movie before. Now that I've talked to people in Celebrate Recovery (a Christian 12-step program) and others who had grown up in abusive households and/or had abusive relationships, the film is even more poignant to me now as it shows the underbelly of London life in Charles Dickens' day.

Kris' post reminded me of Nancy's song, "As Long as He Needs Me," which clearly shows the trap abused women struggle in. Nancy's whole story reflects a lot of what has been posted here, even though it's played for entertainment. Even though times and cultures change, human nature never does.