How do you fight entitlement?

[Amica]

Even though my husband and I are fairly strict parents, we've still managed to raise a son (age 7) who thinks he has a right to certain things.

We HATE that attitude, and have fought against it from the beginning, but it doesn't seem to have done much good.

Short of simply not letting him do or have *anything,* how can we impart a certain sense of gratitude and special-ness about certain things?

We remind him to say thank you for things; we remind him that so-and-so didn't have to do something for him, that it was a favor, a special one-time thing... and next time he starts demanding it anyway!

(We don't give in to whining, demands, tantrums, or even impolite requests. Ever.)

So what do we do? It seems like he's spoiled, no matter how strict we are about stuff. We're rather at a loss as to how we can weed out his sense of entitlement without just saying "no" to absolutely everything.

[lynnmosher]

Amica, It sounds like you are handling things quite well. I'm wondering if this is a part of his personality. Maybe read up on the temperaments and children. You might find some suggestions that will help you deal with this.

[Katibriah]

You might try setting something up as a way for him to earn the things he thinks he has a right to. Your son is old enough to do simple chores. I've found with my kids that if they have to work for something than they are a bit more appreciative.

This can work with anything from getting a new toy, to having a special meal, to going out with mom or dad for special one on one time. Something I've told my kids is that their rights are a roof over their head, food in their belly, clean cloths on their back, and training for when they grow up and move out. Those are their rights. Everything else must be earned. Well, except for my love. They don't have to earn that. I make a point to tell them that as well. :)

You sound like you've got things pretty much under control. You just need to get you son to understand that he's not always going to get what he wants or thinks he has a right to, which is not an easy task to do. I've run into that a lot with my three and I'm still running into it.

Also I ended up telling family and friends not to give my kids toys and I'm thinking of upping that to special treats without discussing it with me first simply because my kids began to expect it and if they didn't get it we would have the tears and tantrums. If I'm approached with the idea first then I can simply say sorry now is not a good time or if they've been good, doing what their told with a good attitude, than I can say yes I believe they have earned something special.

This might be something for you to consider. Don't know if any of this made much sense, but I hope it helps in some way.

God Bless

[Amica]

Thanks, both, for the compliments. :) We certainly do our best, but we get frustrated at his constant expectations. If he gets one thing, once, he expects it's his right for all time! He got mad at me today, for going to a different bank from the usual one. The usual one has lollipops, you see, and there've been a few times when I've let him have a lollipop. Not every time, or even often, but it only takes once to start a "tradition" in his mind.

And "traditions," as we know, simply must be upheld! :p

The worst one, in my mind, is that he thinks his not wanting to do a chore gives him a right to leave it undone. So we have to get after him every single time to get the chore done. He will turn a 5-minute job into a four-hour one, even with supervision! He gets imaginary aches and pains; he breaks a toy and then has to cry about it for a while; I get frustrated and speak harshly to him (the umpteenth time!) and he has to snivel about that for an hour, and blame me for talking in a "mean voice." So it's exhausting for all of us, and I hate it.

He is so incredibly stubborn. A few months ago, we borrowed the Biblical injunction of "if anyone will not work, neither let him eat." We told our son to pick up his toys and clothes in his room (about 10 or 15 minutes' work), and that he was free to come out and eat when it was done. He lasted all afternoon, all evening, all night, and half of the next day without eating anything or coming out of his room, before he finally gave in and cleaned it up. And then he complained about us "making" him stay in his room, turning us into the bad guys when really, it was totally his own choice! He seems to have this mental disconnect between his own actions and their consequences.

Oh, that's another thing. Absolutely nothing is his fault. Not a thing. Don't know how he figures it, but every time something even remotely bad happens, it's someone else's fault, and he always HAS to assign blame. The other morning he dawdled, getting ready for school, and when he was late he blamed his father for taking too long to tie his shoes!:rolleyes:

This is the only child we'll ever have. By choice. Everyone's always telling us what a great kid we have, and how well-behaved he is, and all -- and I can only shake my head and wonder what their standards are! :eek: If other kids are even worse than ours, then I'm glad we only had one! ;)

No, seriously -- are all kids like this? Is this a normal phase of childhood? Because he's been in this "phase" for several years now, despite getting NO encouragement from me or his father... and we're really reaching the end of our rope with it.

I appreciate the suggestion. I like Katibriah's list of things he has a right to, and everything else must be earned! Hee hee! But that idea doesn't seem to have much room for things you want to do for them just 'cause you want to. Or special things you do together as a family, like trips to the library and going to a restaurant. How do you work those into the "must earn" category?

[lynnmosher]

Amca, After reading your post, I think you need to get the book by Beverly LaHaye titled How To Develop Your Child's Temerpament. There is another one on the strong-willed child. I really think it would be helpful to check them out. Be blessed in your efforts.

[Tamera]

One thing I would suggest is to relax. You're doing all the right things consistenly. There are some areas that take years to teach children. Your child just needs additional help in this area. I had two stubborn strong willed children that sometimes made me feel like a failure. But I didn't give up and today, they are responsible adults that I'm very proud of.

Remember parenting is not a sprint, it's a marathon.

[Mouse5]

I appreciate the suggestion. I like Katibriah's list of things he has a right to, and everything else must be earned! Hee hee! But that idea doesn't seem to have much room for things you want to do for them just 'cause you want to. Or special things you do together as a family, like trips to the library and going to a restaurant. How do you work those into the "must earn" category?

You are the parent and if you want to get him something special just because you want to, well then that is great. I would suggest, for a little while, to keep them few and far between. What I do in cases like that is I tell the kids that I love them and because I love them I decided to do something special for them. Just a little extra to show them how much I love having them for my kids and then I tell them how I use to ask God to send me each and everyone of them. And that I'm so very thankful to have them in my life.

Stubborn kids are hard to deal with. Every one of mine inherited my stubbornness and my hardheadedness. I've tried the not eating thing and I ran into the same problem with mine. It wound up making us all cranky. I finally decided to let their chores ride, but the consequence of them not doing their chores was that they didn't get to do or get the things they want. And I make a point of pointing that out to them. When they do do what they are told I hug them and thank them. I don't point out the areas they missed so much right now. I just acknowledge that they did it and when they come to me wanting something I am happy to let them have it. Within reason of course. Sometimes some of the things they come up with isn't very realistic or safe. In those cases I tell them no think of something else or we come up with a compromise.:rolleyes:

And since I'm procrastinating on doing my chores, plus I'm babbling a bit, I will end this with... You are doing fine. Relax. Stay firm. If everyone is saying he's a great boy then you must be doing something right. So hang in there. :)

[kluchar70]

I am no expert, but I have had two kids of my own. I thought my son was strong willed, until my daughter came along! It is frustrating at every turn. I once made my daughter sit in front of a spilled bowl of cereal all day until she finally cleaned it up. My wife told me that I have to chose my battles, and so I try to now. From what I have seen, kids are just selfish by nature and it takes time for them to mature out of that. How long? I am still waiting! But I have even talked to my Mom and she said that my sister was the same way, and she still is in some sense. Reluctance to do chores, I think, is just a part of being a boy. My son is the same way.
But, we are not so different in our relationship with our heavenly father. When we are young Christians, we tend to be very self centered and not always appreciative of what we have. In time, we learn that it is not all about us. Give it time and hang in there. At the end of the day, all we can do is try our best. And it seems as though that is what you are doing.