Dating after Divorce

[Rebecca]

Dating after divorce is much different than I expected. I'm not sure if it's the difference in age (I was married at 21, divorced at 33) but dating is much more difficult. Not only is it difficult to find eligible Christian singles within my age range, it's difficult to find anyone I have much in common with.

I'm curious if any of you have found dating after divorce more difficult than before marriage. If so, what do you find the most challenging?

Rebecca

[ProfessorAlan]

This is a sad consequence of the US church being 60%+ female -- far fewer males in churches than females.

[Rebecca]

I didn't know the actual statistics, but I believe it. Finding a decent Christian man anywhere near my age (and under 650 lbs.) is mission impossible. The only singles in church are other women.

Of course, being a single mom adds its own set of challenges--but that's a different topic.

So, now I'm curious. What do you think causes the lack of male participation in church? Why is the ratio of women to men so high?

Rebecca

[Ransom v. Unman]

Move to NYC... No one here gets married 'til they're in their thirties or forties anyway. My wife and I are the glaring exception. :rolleyes:

[Rebecca]

I wouldn't mind moving to NYC. However, I've spent some time up there, and I'm familiar with the cost of living. That, combined with wanting to raise my children near family, makes it unfeasible at this time.

Maybe in a few years. :D

I think the average age of marriage around here is late twenties to early thirties. Since that's still roughly my age range, I'm surprised to have so much difficulty--and it's a difficulty echoed by almost every other single woman I've spoken to my age. (I'll be 35 this March, if anyone is curious. And no, I'm not ugly! lol!)

I'm in no hurry to get married again, although I don't want to be a perpetual dater, either. (Do you married folks remember how awkward dating is? Yikes! lol!)

The biggest surprise I've had (aside from the lack of males) is how complicated it is to date when you're over 30. Maybe it's because personalities are much more defined when you're older, and people are more specific in what they want--add that to a shrinking singles pool, and it's a dating catastrophe.

Or maybe I'm just expecting too much.

I'm not sure, but it seems so much more complicated.

I'm not complaining, just curious why this is (or appears to be). I figured it might be good fodder for a discussion. :)

Rebecca

[lindenbooks]

I'm not divorced, but I grew up in a broken home...

That's how this post originally began, but I'm editing it's because it's been "food for fodder"...

Basically I shared personal examples in my family; how hard it can be for children when the parent dates. I wrote it in a spirit of support: to encourage single Chrisitan parents to simply be led by the Spirit, not by emotion alone, and not to rely too much on the input from other human beings, no matter how well respected they are. God is a personal God, His "ways are not our ways," His "thoughts are not our thoughts."

Not one of us becomes a vessel of His grace without being emptied out. As long as our eyes are fixed on Him, our relationship to Him is PERSONAL, He will lead and guide in ALL things, including dating and remarriage. His plans for each of us are for our good! Hang in there, Rebecca!

[50/50 Adventure]

I do NOT mean to be rude or insulting but I have to ask.......how does getting married four times equate with living a Christian life and following biblical standards ??

PLEASE do not take it the wrong way.....I am asking from the point of ignorance.

[lindenbooks]

It's the wonder of God's mercy and grace. My mother failed three times, and got up one more time than she was down. She is trying now to be the wife she never could succeed at being before. She needed a lot of inner healing, by the way, a subject I could really rave on and on about; the need for people to be completely open and deal with their problems face-on. I am so pleased to see the result in her life today. For so many years she lived defeated, which contributed to her failures. And when she finally realized that her Sin was taken on the cross--even though her dad had preached it in his church and she believed it in theory--that it wasn't about her and her own efforts, she was really and truly set free. It takes some people, even Christians, years and years to realize it isn't about them! I think yesterday's devotional (http://www.myutmost.org/02/0201.html) at My Utmost For His Highest says it SO well!

As far as my family is concerned, the failures and heartbreaks they've endured, they've endured because of the lingering, powerful grace of God at work in this world--this is the age of grace, I've heard it said many times, and it's the truth: on this side of things (it's the wonderful thing about this life) our salvation is ever "now."

[Ransom v. Unman]

I do NOT mean to be rude or insulting but I have to ask.......how does getting married four times equate with living a Christian life and following biblical standards ??
Well it sure as hell for sinners makes someone realise that they can't rely on their own merits to bring them past the Throne of Glory...

[Rebecca]

I grew up in a broken home, too. I know how difficult it can be at times. But, I also have to add that growing up in an intact family can be just as difficult. It all depends on the people involved.

I adore Dr. Laura, but disagree with her stance on dating as a single parent, for two reasons.

First, it is Biblical for a young widow to remarry. The Bible (to the best of my knowledge) makes no exclusion for women with children. They are expected to remarry.



Timothy 1 5:14

Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.

Granted, my ex husband is not physically dead--but my Pastor said because of his heinous behavior (and I kid you not, it's the stuff of a Sunday night movie) I am to be considered a young widow from the standpoint of the church.

So, forgetting the ex, healing, and moving forward to a healthy, intact family--where my children have stability and a healthy, loving male role model--is not a bad thing. And I do believe Paul is saying the same thing in Timothy 1 5:9-16. It's not natural for younger women to live alone and without the affection of a husband (if they have that desire).

I do think Dr. Laura's advise is sage for women (or men) who have divorced for reasons other than adultery or abuse.

I also feel very strongly that children shouldn't be involved in a dating relationship. My children have never met any of the men I've dated. If I'm going on a date, I'll meet the gentleman in a public place, away from my home. I view it as friends meeting to have a nice, enjoyable, innocent evening (or day). I wouldn't dream of involving my children unless a relationship was very serious, and marriage was on the table.

My second point is that it's unnatural for a single parent to live the life of a nun or monk, and not fair to expect that of us. We may be single, but we still have feelings and desire affection. Disallowing single parents to experience affection, date, or do other "normal" things only leads to resentment. It's not healthy for the parent, and not healthy for the children (who may be seen as the cause of the isolation).

Bottom line is that as a single parent, the children must come first. But I don't necessarily equate the children coming first with the mom (or dad) denying themselves healthy relationships or a social life.

I do know many couples who have formed blended families, and it's worked out great! I also know blended families that constantly struggle. Again, I really do believe it depends on the people involved.

Personally, I will continue to date. I don't see anything wrong with spending time with a friend, male or otherwise. Sure, I'd love to find Mr. Right, fall in love, and all that good stuff--but it hasn't happened yet. I'm not going to worry about all the complications until I need to. And hey, at the rate I'm going, my kids may be grown by the time I even find "Mr. Maybe," much less Mr. Right. lol! :p

Rebecca

[ProfessorAlan]

I do agree with Dr. Joy Browne's advice on waiting a year to date until the divorce is FINAL ... not broken up, not moved out, not separated, but actually legally divorced. For a year.

[50/50 Adventure]

Does these scriptures hold any bearing anymore or do we find exceptions for them ????

(New King James Version)
Mark 10:11-13:

11 So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

Luke 16:18:

18 “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.

[Rebecca]

Professor, That sounds like very good advice. One of the worst things you can do after a bad marriage is jump into a relationship on the rebound.

Rebecca

[Rebecca]

50/50, Jesus gave an exception for sexual immorality/adultery.



Matthew 19:9 - I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery

I'm not Jesus, (obviously) but I'd also add that a woman should be given a pass if married to an abusive spouse. I can't imagine Jesus would expect His daughter to live with a man who tortures and beats her.

But again, this thread isn't about judging and pointing fingers at those of us who are divorced. Keep in mind many of us (including myself) are in this situation through no fault of our own, and are divorced on Biblical grounds. It could easily happen to any of you. I pray it doesn't, but it could.

Back to the topic. What have you found are the unique challenges of dating as a divorced person?

Rebecca

[ProfessorAlan]

Neither a bad marriage nor a divorce is God's preferred manner of male-female relations, but grace covers a multitude of sins ... and bad life choices, too.

We've had our struggles, but so far (20 years) we've stuck it out. It take little credit for that. Grace is a blessing. God is good.

[Rebecca]

That's excellent, ProfessorAlan. It's a huge blessing to have a marriage where your mate hasn't sinned against you and abused you. :)

Now, back to the topic. What have you found are the unique challenges of dating as a divorced person?

Rebecca

[Derby]

If you have been divorced and are seeking close companionship and perhaps marriage, it seems that you are in the front line regarding trusting your Lord – you will not compromise your Faith and yet you yearn for what comes naturally from God’s Creation. I have no personal experience of this so my insights are not of first quality.

If there is a child then you seem wise, as you say, in not involving her in the new friendship. But I would guess that introducing that child into conversation with your friend, if it may be relevant, should be done sooner rather than later to avoid pain in the longer term – on both sides.

Perhaps there are several types and qualities of relationships between marriage and another marriage, any of which can help to assuage a situation. Perhaps you can define these in your case and aim for these as stage one. I don’t mean different qualities of the same subject, but different subjects, such as a person who is passionate about something that you are passionate about.

And it is such a personal and complicated matter. You know yourself inside out. Only you can analyse why divorce happened to you, what may have been your contribution, no matter how minor. This could be vital second time round. These little things do not have to be faults, they may be 'qualities' that are not qualities to someone else. You naturally have a sensible reticence to initiate a new friendship but you may meet someone nice who, for the same reason, has the same reticence. You will just be making rings round each other.

Fly a kite.

[lindenbooks]

I awoke to seeing the "progress" on this thread, and I was reminded of why I went to sleep promising myself again that I would stay away from forums. It makes one so vulnerable to strangers. But you've been the one taking the hit, Rebecca, and I feel partly responsible. I made that long, explanatory post about my family, really, just wanting to relate and protect--but I will likely have to edit it down in order to really protect; both my family and dear ones like you!

You, Rebecca, have your head on straight! I will tell you, since you likely read the long post that pretty much started all this: my dear, dear cousin, whom I ADORE, the one that was encouraged into an abusive marriage by church leadership; SHE had misgivings about the man she remarried, and so did ONE friend, a woman that didn't attend that church, she lived out of state, yet she had misgivings about the man, too--strong misgivings. It is imperative that as Christians we keep our ears tuned into the voice of the Spirit all the time.

My cousin said that she felt so much condemnation about divorcing a second time, and she was beating herself up for it, when the Spirit spoke to her about David eating the shewbread in the temple. There are so many examples in the Word like this: the disciples walking through the fields on the Sabbath and plucking the grains of wheat...John the Baptist, called--born--to proclaim the way of the Lord; he never attended temple. Paul was called away from beng a teacher of the law, GOD'S law, to preach to the Gentiles (we really can't imagine how humiliated Paul was in this world, not in our culture). Isaiah walked about naked for three years at the will of God, a shameful, immodest thing to do otherwise.

Oh, please, I could go on and on--and on and on. Missing the SPIRIT of God's word is what makes us a sham as Christians in this world.

Jesus said, "If a man even looks upon a woman with lust he has already committed adultery with her." If any of us--including those of us who have only been married only once, and for a long time--have transgressed this verse, than we are in the SAME category as the divorced person.

WE ALL NEED HIS REDEMPTION.

I am so grateful, Rebecca, that you have a strong support there for you. You are a stronger lady than I am, for sure; I could never handle all you do even here, at these forums! But I admire you greatly, and, I wouldn't give up on having a God-given mate, if I were you. I would simply not go looking for it. Not that you shouldn't "try" things, that's not what I mean.

I think that for each of us, whatever our hearts' desire, we should wait on the Lord, and this isn't like waiting in the natural. "Waiting on the Lord" is an action--the greatest activity we can pursue; it is hope with real expectation; the Lord as our expectation, and therefore, He can do anything; whatever comes is a gift from Him, something we couldn't have found or figured out for ourselves, and it's good, always good: "Every perfect gift comes down from the Father above."

I pray this for you.

I admire how you "date" in light of your children (I put "date" in parenthesis because I know you aren't dating like the world dates). And, you are a relatively new divorcee, so it's really silly to lose hope at this juncture in your life. ; ) As the Lord Himself is your expectation, He will accomplish EVERYTHING that concerns you.

God bless you!

[Katibriah]

Divorce is tough no matter how you slice it. I just want to say it is not for any of us to judge others. It says so in the Bible though I cannot remember where at the moment. I believe it is because we as humans cannot see the whole picture. We don't really know what happened so who are we to judge those who have divorced. They will be held accountable to God and He will be the one to decide if they made the right decision and judge them accordingly. It is not our place.... okay.. I'm getting off my soap box now.

I think it is important for those divorced to date and even remarry if they can find the right partner. They are in need of being loved just as much as anyone else.
If there are children involved I think it's important to discuss the desire to date with them. Mainly because the divorcee is not just affecting their life but also their childrens.
I'm not saying let the kids dictate when and who the parent gets to date, but if you stop and think about it their lives have already been turned upside down. They don't feel as secure and there is a lose of control. They feel as though they have no say in their own lives. And if dating is brought in the equation without taking their feelings into consideration will bring them down further and could even cause resentment.
The bottom line is this be upfront and honest with the kids. Respect the fact that they have feelings too. Rebecca, I'm going to pick on you a minute here. You know your child better than anyone else. You know what he/she can handle and what he/she can't. Let your child know that you want to date and ask his/her feelings on the subject. If your child is uncomfortable with the notion it may not be time for the dating yet. Keep the subject open so when you do find someone you want to date it's not a surprise to your child.

that's my two cents worth. Don't know if it made any sense, but there you go. :)

[Rebecca]

Thank you for your support, Lindenville. :) I admit, I was feeling a bit judged and picked on. I even had to delete some posts on this thread that were--let's say--less than kind.

I do know 100% that my divorce was the right decision, and in fact the only responsible decision. Even my church and pastor agreed I had no other choice than to cut my ex out of the lives of myself and my children.

*Edited by Rebecca*

It's very difficult when people (who have a good, loving marriage) jump on those of us who aren't as fortunate. I'm very pleased that others have been blessed in their marriages, and wish them continued success. It's what I would have wanted for my marriage, too.

All this to ask that each of us not be so quick to judge. Divorce is never the ideal, but sometimes it is the only ethical option. Sometimes it's not as simple as, "you didn't try hard enough." Sometimes there are real problems, real hurt, that we know nothing about.

Rebecca

[Derby]

When I was 39, in 1980, I had bad treatment at work that shattered me, I was off work for 10 months on state benefits. I lost my career in computers and trained as a nurse, I also did garden work when I was not nursing. We built a new life for ourselves and our children.

The experiences of Rebecca are far worse than mine but I wholeheartedly agree with her that during these times the Lord wonderfully supports you. His Grace increases with necessity.

[Rebecca]

Katibriah - Surprisingly, my children encourage me to date. You should see their eyes light up when I tell them I'm going out! It's enough to break my heart, really. They want so much to see me happy. They trust me completely, and they know I would never (knowingly) choose someone who wasn't the right match for our family. And I think in many ways, they want (and need) a relationship with a Godly man to fill that void in their lives.

I can't betray that precious trust. And that's why I'm so careful.

There have been many times when my oldest daughter and I are watching TV, and something innocent and romantic comes on--some sort of tender moment between a man and the woman he loves, where he is truly cherishing her. My daughter (almost 15) will turn to me and say, "Someday you'll find a man who treats you like that, mamma. You deserve it."

I'm not one to cry easily--but that does it for me.

Rebecca

[50/50 Adventure]

Rebecca,

I see you deleted my post, I was not judging nor was I condemning . . . . . I was asking questions pointing things out that I always understood to be true. If that offended you I do apologize. I am not critical of your situation or of Lindenville's mothers. I am just trying to understand and learn. Married four times to me just seems like there is something missing spiritually or someone is not truly approaching the Lord prior to committing. I just don't understand it ...................

And I am BEYOND blessed being married for 19+ years now. I NEVER take that for granted or tout that in peoples faces that have been less fortunate. There have been times in our marriage that have been less than smooth.

Once again, my most humble apologies to anyone I might have offended.

- Joe

[lindenbooks]

There are things in my life currently that I would not air in a Christian forum for fear of being jumped and judged. Just signing up here to discuss "What the Church Is Not" was enough to make me wish I hadn't--and I had deleted much of that first post (I can't completely delete, though, only being a member) simply because I thought twice, and felt I wasn't ready to face a debate with people who don't know me.

These things in my life that I'm afraid of being judged for are things I know with my whole heart to be of God. It is Romans 14 that states so well that judging our brother and sister is a big NO, NO! And this is in regard to service and mode of worship/Christian living. Yes, in 1 Cor. 5 Paul states "don't even eat with such a person," referring to those who aren't even making an effort to live a Christian life, but rather, they are in a prideful state of active, willful sin.

This isn't what we're talking about here!

We're talking about dating after divorce, and I do believe that those of us with long-term marriages have good things to contribute only in the sense that either we've come from broken homes ourselves, or, we've really struggled in our marriages and we'd like to share some tips/warnings--to be helpful, NOT to judge, or, to discourage.

I felt this is what I shared at first came across as: discouraging, which is why I edited down to practically nothing! ; )

I think, Rebecca, that in your situation, your kids are definitely old enough to help you out; you have the best chance at a happy second marriage.

My personal feeling about love is, it's not something you can go looking for and find the right thing. God knows what you need, and He will provide it. Yes, it could be through a dating service, or, through someone you know, but He knows the right person in the right timing; the right man for you might not be available yet...

I just received an email this morning from the people who our home and ministry are named after. They shared about where the name "Lindenville" came from. Their last name is Linden. She was a widow at 41 with three children, and he was a 35 year-old single man. They met, began serving Christ together as born again hippies. They took on other families/people to live with them, help them build their home (very like Keith and Melody Green)--one of the young women in their home took a 2x6 piece of wood and carved "Lindenville" on it. I feel so proud to bear this name for our home and ministry, which works very much the same way.

My point is, whoever God has for you may not be released himself yet. Keep hoping; waiting on the Lord with expectation. As someone who has been working on a successful marriage, going on twenty-four years now, can tell you; once you and that man are brought together, you'll have your work cut out for you!

It's important that we make the most of each season of our lives. Make the most of this season with just you and your kids, as I am confident you are; they must need so much inner healing, as do you. The right man will need it as well; when the time is right you can all heal together.

We all need inner-healing, truth be told. This makes dating after divorce tricky, working on a marriage tricky, starting or maintaining a new ministry tricky, raising kids tricky...

[lindenbooks]

Oh, yes, I forgot to comment, Derby, that's so true: "His grace increases with necessity"!

[50/50 Adventure]

once you and that man are brought together, you'll have your work cut out for you!

Excellent statement .............it is a work in progress that never comes to completion.

[Katibriah]

Katibriah - Surprisingly, my children encourage me to date. You should see their eyes light up when I tell them I'm going out! It's enough to break my heart, really. They want so much to see me happy. They trust me completely, and they know I would never (knowingly) choose someone who wasn't the right match for our family. And I think in many ways, they want (and need) a relationship with a Godly man to fill that void in their lives.

I can't betray that precious trust. And that's why I'm so careful.

There have been many times when my oldest daughter and I are watching TV, and something innocent and romantic comes on--some sort of tender moment between a man and the woman he loves, where he is truly cherishing her. My daughter (almost 15) will turn to me and say, "Someday you'll find a man who treats you like that, mamma. You deserve it."

I'm not one to cry easily--but that does it for me.

Rebecca

Rebecca, I'm so glad you have the support of your children and that you are so careful with that trust that they give you. *hugs* You are obviously blessed and your children are blessed to have such a loving mother.
Unfortunately, not every parent considers their child's feelings and needs. I find this very sad and disturbing.