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ChristChild
12-07-2007, 10:13 PM
Author's note: A pure fantasy story with a lesson.

Kayden's Song

Kayden was a gifted Singer since the days of his childhood. His kind were rare—those who could change the world through song.

The young man, dressed in the bright blues and drab grays of a bard, continued down the lonely, overgrown deer trail. He had strayed far from the king's highway in search of a special place—a place rumored to have Old Trees—trees of great age and hidden wisdom. It was said, in rare cases, Singers of the past awoke an Old Tree for a few brief moments and learned some forgotten piece of lore, which was previously lost to the swirling mists of time.

Kayden, early in his nineteenth year, was in search of treasure. He was a poor fellow, yet he had an idea how to overcome this lack. Many people did not believe in the ancient legend of the Dwarven Flotilla, but Kayden's grandfather had assured him the story was true. So here Kayden was, seeking a deep wood, only a few miles from a vast stretch of beach. Kayden's research had led him to believe the Dwarven Flotilla had landed somewhere near this location in a bygone age. Their tale was gruesome and ended with the Dwarves' demise, but not before they had buried their treasure somewhere in the wilderness.

The questing Singer strode deeper and deeper down the trail. He had never owned a horse, but this overgrown path would be far too restrictive for one anyway. “This is a good sign,” Kayden thought. The thickening vegetation usually indicated one was near the edge of a deep wood. It took a few minutes more, but the young Singer finally broke through the small tunnel of vegetation that was the deer trail.

Kayden stared wide-eyed at the view! The ground was covered in deep leaves and acorns as far as Kayden could see. They all lay beneath a depth of huge oaks that were not only massive, but whose long, thick branches touched the ground before rising back up into the forest before him. Kayden stood between two such massive branches and saw a small, worn path through the leaf litter where the deer went to and fro.

His hands were trembling as he pulled a lute from his back. Kayden approached the closest oak, its thick trunk nearly forty feet around—and it was a small one. Since this oak was nearest the sea shore, he thought it wise to sing to this Old Tree first.

Kayden squatted down within the large protruding roots of the tree after making sure no beasts resided there. He leaned back against the Old Tree. He'd heard a tree's voice only twice before, and the ones he contacted did not have much useful information to offer. The only worthwhile piece of information he gleaned was the fact that a Singer could hear a tree's words better if his body was in contact with the tree. Kayden hoped that would help him hear this Old Tree more clearly—if he could get it speak to him. It was extremely hard to rouse a tree from its subconscious state, but gifted Singers could do it.

Before the young bard let despair at that fact overtake him, he launched into song. Kayden sang several well known songs with no response from the Old Tree. His patience taxed, he finally decided to sing the lilting song he'd written to get straight to the point of his quest. Plucking his lute, and singing in a clear, bright melody, Kayden sung passionately to the Old Tree:


In a long, long, bygone age
Dwarves did come ashore
They carried with 'em treasure great
A vast and precious horde


I'm a poor lad, far from home
Come to seek a boon
From the Old Trees thick and strong
Old knowledge to exhume


Oh, I hear the treasure's call
Oh, I hear its cry
Across the land, and o'er sea
Lost 'neath unending sky


Oh, Old Tree, I beseech thee now
Oh, hearken to my words
I ask thee of a mystery
Buried in ye deep and stored


Oh, I ask ye, look deep within
Seek where treasure lies
Find me knowledge of the place
Where Dwarven treasure hides


Oh, I hear the treasure's call
Oh, I hear its cry
Across the land, and o'er sea
Lost 'neath unending sky


Oh, Old Tree, I beseech thee again
Please hearken to my words
Reveal to me the mystery
Buried in ye deep and stored


Oh, Old Tree, look deep within
Find where treasure lies
Give me knowledge of the place
Where Dwarven treasure hides


Oh, I hear the treasure's call
Oh, I hear its cry
Across the land, and o'er sea
Lost 'neath unending sky


Kayden fell silent and waited. He didn't really expect anything, so he was surprised at a deep rumbling in the trunk. He could then feel a voice—an ancient voice speak into his mind.

“I know of what you speak,” the Old Tree said in a slow, deep voice within Kayden's head, and then it paused. Another rumble shook the trunk, stronger this time, and the voice spoke again, “They came when I was young. Built wide and short for your kind. They were intent on hiding something. Something in chests of wood.”

“Yes!” Kayden thought, encouraging the Old Tree to continue.

Another rumble and the tree spoke again, “Buried the little chests, they did.”

“Where?” Kayden thought, prompting the Old Tree once more.

The tree was silent a long while, but Kayden still felt the buzz of connection in his mind. He knew better than to pester the tree at this point. It would be better to be patient until the Old One responded. Many moments passed. Kayden waited and waited. He began sweating, but was determined not to push the tree now. Suddenly the connection was broken. Kayden hung his head.

Instead of giving up hope, Kayden began playing his lute and singing again. He repeated the last song, which had caused the Old Tree to respond once before. When he finished, he fell silent again and waited.

After a long time, just when Kayden was about to give up for the day, the Old Tree rumbled.

“I felt your name, Singer,” the tree said, and then added after a pause, “You are Kayden. Kayden the Singer.”

“Yes,” Kayden answered in his mind. His father had taught him never to ignore a tree's statement and return to a previous topic, unless the tree gave you a clear indication to do so.

“Kayden?”

“Yes, Honored Tree?”

“I am old, but not as old as some trees here.”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Kayden, I was small when the Dwarves came.”

The young Singer was excited that the tree was back on topic, but he didn't want to push the matter. He simply responded, “I see. You were small then.”

“Yes.”

A long while passed without a word from the Old Tree. Kayden remembered a technique his grandfather had told him about that may prompt a tree to continue speaking—repeating your last statement in a slightly different manner. Kayden thought, “Yes, back then you were small.”

A slight rumble proceeded, “Yes, I was small.”

This time only a brief pause elapsed before the tree rumbled and spoke again, “They almost killed me.”

“What?” Kayden couldn't help but think, adding, “Why would they cut down a small tree? Surely you were too small to provide timber?”

“Yes, I was too small, Kayden the Singer.”

“Then why?”

After a brief pause, the Old Tree answered, “They dug me up.”

“What? Why would they do that?”

“To place their little boxes of treasure beneath me.”

Taken aback, Kayden couldn't think of a response. He thought about it a moment, and then realized it would be a good hiding place. If treasure hunters came into this area, they would surely dig up areas of open ground, not dig up a small oak and look under it. They must have buried the treasure and planted the tree back over the spot. Obviously, they had no desire to kill the tree—that would ruin their hiding spot, though they would have to dig up the tree again when they returned for their treasure.

A rumble and then the tree asked, “Kayden?”

“Yes?”

“You will have to cut me down to get to your treasure. It is woven within my roots.”

Kayden knew the Old Tree was right, but he didn't like it. Old Trees were not to be cut down for lumber or for any other reason. He had been taught that the Old Ones were to be respected for their age and ability to survive throughout ages of time. Kayden hung his head.

“Kayden, will you cut me down now, or bring others to do so?”

The young, poor bard thought a few moments before answering, “It is not right—you are an Old Tree!”

A rumble, and then, “True, but I have lived long ages, and there are many other Old Trees in this wood. I would only diminish their number by one.”

Kayden pondered what the Old Tree was saying, but he knew that cutting down this magnificent tree would be tantamount to cutting off his own hand—such was the bond of respect between Singer and Old Tree.

“I cannot,” Kayden said firmly, adding, “I will not!”

A few moments passed before the tree rumbled again and said, “I see.”

Long moments passed as Kayden and the Old Tree were silent. It appeared they where at an impasse.

Finally, the Old Tree directed, “Kayden, you must go to the hill with the rock that looks like a bird's outstretched wing. It is near the beach, yet seven hundred Dwarven strides into the thin wood there. Beneath the rock, six feet deep, you will find the treasure you seek.”

The Singer's jaw hung open. He then mumbled, “But you said that...”

“You Singers believe we Old Trees have great wisdom, and in that there is some truth. Did you truly think you accidentally stumbled upon the very tree that the treasure you sought was buried beneath? No, Kayden. I had to know what kind of man you were before I revealed the treasure's true location. I would never trust a Singer who broke the respect between Singer and Old Tree for a few chests of bright metal and jewels. Go, now, Honored Singer. You shall have your treasure, and now the Old Trees know your name.”

At that, Kayden felt a rumbling through his feet. It was as if the whole forest was vibrating—and when he looked about—it was! All the Old Trees in this deep wood were rumbling their agreement with the Old Tree he leaned against. He closed his eyes and could hear within his mind a crowd of beings just on the edge of his perception. It was the Old Trees, and now they called him not just Singer--but Honored Singer! And that particular title was rarer than even the lost, Dwarven treasure. Hayden had done the right, honorable thing, and now he would have two kinds of treasure—one of silver, gold, and jewels; and a treasure of another kind that could never be bought or found--only earned.


Copyright(c)2007 D. Shane Burton

Nessa-Ciryatan
12-16-2007, 12:19 AM
Hi ChristChild!

My first impressions of your story: The ideas of Singers and the way they could speak to trees intrigued me. Unfortunately, there was so much information bogging down the beginning of this story that I almost didn't bother reading it. I think it would go much more smoothly if you simply began the story at the part where Kayden emerges from the trees to see the Old Oak Wood. That way he immediately settles down and begins singing, and we see the reason for his being there in the song he sings to the tree. You could disperse the other information from the beginning throughout the rest of what follows, or leave it out entirely. Ask yourself: Is this vital to the plot? Could you convey all this information to us some other way, or have you already - through the song? Just some questions for you.

The plot: I'm not sure if this is meant to be a small part of a greater story or a short story in itself. It has a definite beginning, middle, and end, but there is also promise of more to come - once Kayden has the treasure, what will he do with it? However this piece stands, the plot was highly enjoyable. :D

The characters: I didn't really learn much about Kayden in this - just that which was revealed in his song to the Old Oak. Obviously he is persistent and dogged, and also has integrity and is trustworthy as we see during the Oak's "Trial". Still, I felt I would have like to see more of who he was, but for a short piece I was satisfied.

The action: Action is whatever moves the plot along; not necessarily shoot-em-up action. As I mentioned before, the beginning dragged quite a bit. You mention treasures and the fact that Kayden is looking for trees, but not why. Is he doing it on behalf of this King Franks? I wasn't quite sure about that. A few more clear-cut why answers would have helped this along greatly.

The dialogue: I liked the dialogue with the Old Oak - where it's repeating itself and Kayden is playing along, confused. No complaints here.

The technical details (spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details), etc.: I noticed quite a few details that need fixing. You need to watch out that you give words the correct tenses and participles. There were also a few cases of odd words used when others would have been much better for flow's sake. Here are some of the things I found:

Kayden was a gifted Singer. He had always been so from a small child.
How about: [Kayden had been a gifted Singer since the days of his childhood.]

Also, in the beginning I found the use of "the young man" in place of Kayden's name was rather distracting and as a result it took longer to get "into" the story later, after those uses stopped popping me out of the story.

Kayden stood between two such massive branches and saw a small, worn path through the leaf litter where the deers went to and fro.
The plural for "deer" is "deer", not "deers".

His hands were trembling as he pulled the lute from his back.
As we have thus far heard no mention of a lute, I believe the indefinite article should be used: "a lute". Once the lute is established, then it can be "the lute" because then we know what lute it is you're talking about.

Kayden approached the nearest oak, which must be forty feet in circumference—and it was a small one. Since it was the one closest to the direction in which the sea lay, the Singer thought it wise to sing to this Old Tree first.
How about something snappier, like: "Kayden approached the nearest oak, its massive bole at least forty feet around - and it was a small one. It was also the nearest Oak to the sea shore, which lay only a few miles away. He thought it would be wise to Sing to this Old Tree first."

There is a lot of telling rather than showing. The view stunned him! Kayden became depressed. Kayden did this, Kayden did that. Perhaps part of the reason I felt I didn't know Kayden as well as I should by the end of this was because many of his reactions were stolen from the story and written down instead. Instead of seeing how stunned Kayden was at the view - watching his eyes go wide or his mouth drop open, hearing his indrawn breath or the quiet surprised murmur escaping his lips - you simply tell us.

Kayden squatted down within the large protruding roots of the tree after making sure no beasts resided there. He leaned back against the Old Tree. He'd heard a tree's voice only twice before, and the ones he contacted did not have much useful information to offer... The trees Kayden had heard were small, young, and much easier to rouse—yet he had only prompted a mere two to speak out of hundreds.
Unnecessary repetition here (in red).

Oh, I hear the treasure's call
Oh, I hear its cry
Across the land, and o'er sea
Lost beneath unending sky
It strikes me that "Across the land and o'er sea / Lost 'neath unending sky" might sound better because there are less syllables. Your call. I really liked this Song. Very well done. !thumbsup!

“Yes!” Kayden thought to encourage the Old Tree to continue.
Wherever possible, you should try to use active verbs (ending in "-ing"). They do make quite a difference. E.g.: [“Yes!” Kayden thought, encouraging the Old Tree to continue.]

“Where?” Kayden thought, prompting the Old Tree once more.
You probably don't need to be this obvious. We can see that he's prompting the Old Tree again. Perhaps something to show more of Kayden, like: [“Where?” Kayden thought eagerly.]

“You will have to cut me down to get to your treasure. It is weaved within my roots.”
Wrong tense. You mean "woven within my roots".

Long moments passed as Kayden and the Old Tree were silent. It appeared they where at an impasse in the situation.
You can delete the bit in red here.

The young Singer was stunned. He mumbled, “But what about... you said that...” Kayden tapered off with his ramblings as the Old Tree responded.

“You Singers believe we Old Trees have great wisdom, and in that there is some truth...”
Delete these bits in red, too. Sometimes tags are more of a hindrance than a help. Look how much snappier this section could be:

[Kayden blinked. “But you just said...”

“You Singers believe we Old Trees have great wisdom, and in that there is some truth...”]

What I loved about this work, and why: I loved the premise of the Singers, and the song Kayden sang to the tree was great!

What caused me problems, and why: Just the fact that I felt I didn't know Kayden very well, and there was far too much of an information dump at the beginning.

Overall story: Lots of promise! You've got a great short story here - a little more tweaking and it should be even better! And if you want something longer, it doesn't look like it would take much to apply this premise to a much longer story. That would be very interesting as well.

Good writing and well done! !thumbsup!

ChristChild
12-16-2007, 02:31 AM
Thanks, Nessa-Ciryatan, for the in-depth analysis. I'm glad you liked it overall. This short story is one I wrote quickly for a writer's group assignment, so it hasn't been edited that heavily. You have posted so much feedback, it will take me some time to go through it all.

I do agree with most, if not all, of the grammar problems mentioned. I will go back and rework those areas.

I honestly did not realize I had an info dump. I was trying to establish the idea of the Singers and the Old Trees by giving some historical background. This relationship was the heart of the story. That is why I did not establish a great deal of detail about Kayden, as this was a short piece, and I wanted to focus on his mission and the fact that he was a Singer on a quest to find a treasure. I will go back and look over it again though.

Thanks for all the honest criticism. I do take everything into account, though I may not agree with everyone's crticisms. I have found people that thought the characters in my novels were not developed enough, and others that thought the characters were one of the best parts of my novels. I have other instances of people giving differing opinions and analysis, so I take it all into account and make the changes I feel necessary. The level of detail in your response shows that you took a great deal of time offering up your critique. I do greatly appreciate that.

I will edit the story soon. Thanks again,
Shane

P.S. : I have done some editing already, and I will do more later.

lynnmosher
12-16-2007, 10:52 AM
Shane, This is a wonderful story. I was most intrigued. I agree totally with Nessa's thorough assessment. Great job! Keep up the good work! !thumbsup!

ChristChild
12-16-2007, 11:40 AM
Thanks, Lynn! :) I have done more refinement based on Nessa's assessment, and I will tweak it more later. I'm glad you liked it.

Shane