Raising your kids..and your friends kids..

[Mrs. C.]

One of my closest friends has a son who plays with my daughter. He is four, she is three. He tends to hit her or throw tantrums when they are playing together. In the course of three playdates, he hurt her everytime and left her in tears. I verbally disciplined him on the third day as I would my own child, while his mom was in the kitchen with her other son. I'd like to hear opinions on this matter. When I was young (in the 80s), my friends parents were my parents, too, but today's society thinks differently. Also, my friend never said a word, so I don't think I offended her. This incident got my thoughts spinning.

[kriswrite]

Personally, I wouldn't let my daughter play with a child who has violent tendencies, because kids tend to learn behavior from other kids (especially if it's bad behavior!).

If that's not an option in your mind, then I wouldn't hesitate to talk to your friend using an honest but not condemning tone. Explain your concern for your child...See how she responds. If you don't mind disciplining her son, ask her how she feels about this. (Especially if you tend to meet at your house, I wouldn't hesitate to say that the rules of your household need to be followed.) If you don't want to discipline her child, ask her to do it herself. Again, honest but not condemning is the key to having this conversation go well.

I hope this helps,
Kristina

[lynnmosher]

I agree with Kristina. Do you want to continue these rough playdates? I'm not sure I would. How close is this friend? Can you gently tell her you are worried about the safety of your daughter because her son plays so rough? Ask her if she minds you treating him as your own to stop him. Tell her that you have taught your daughter not to hit, or whatever. I think there needs to be some dialog between you and your friend to settle this now -politely.

[Mrs. C.]

Though I believe sin is in every heart, my daughter does learn this bad behaviour. When she plays with other children who are not fighters, she has the best time with them. Two of my friends have children who show this anger and I notice my daughter sticks up for herself. I might just have to cut the playdates to few and far between, but use the "challenges" as teaching times.

[tlm]

Raising children is a cultural thing. I have traveled all over and different communities have different ideas.

As a teacher, I find myself in lots of places where I tell children they need to find their parents and stay with them (the children's section of Wal-Mart--for example).

I had a difficult time where I used to teach because that was a culture group where the only one who disciplined a child was the parent. Therefore teachers were very handicapped. Parents became hysterical whenever the child misbehaved and received a consequence. I am glad I'm not going back there!

[Mrs. C.]

I taught in Miami before I was a mother. Sounds VERY familiar. I couldn't do my job as a teacher because authority wasn't given to me.

[P.K.mama]

I think this is a major problem in our society. Especially for teachers. If you can't discipline a child, without their parents interfering, then you will never get respect from that child. If you don't have respect how are you expected to teach? As for friends, I have one friend that we both discipline our children equally. My kids as well as hers' understand house rules apply no matter where you are. I also had another friend who would disciplined my children when theirs did wrong. They were neighbor's. so I made them stay in our yard. One day I sent one of their children home because she wouldn't quit taking my son's glasses off his face. (He is legally blind and really can't see anything without them.) The child had been warned and the parents advised. Yet as soon as I sent them home the parents came over yelling. My kids are no longer aloud to play with them. Even if their your friend, or family if the one kid is hurting yours and the parents don't mind. It is time to stop play dates. Our kids are always more important then our friends. My prayers are with you.

[tlm]

Children are smart enough to learn how to work a system. They know when and how to tell half-truths and down right lies to manipulate their parents. Parents who would rather live in la-la-land because it is easier than being real parents anyway will fall for it hook-line-and sinker!

[writergirl]

P.K. Mama, it IS such a problem! I have young children (4 and 7) who go on playdates etc. They are told before they leave the house, EVERY time, that they are to remember their manners, play nicely, and be respectful of the parents. (I also add that if they don't, they won't be invited back, and this is probably most effective :p)

And for the most part they are well-behaved, but I realize that they are kids and forget...so I am NOT offended if other parents discipline them. Even when I am around, if another parent feels that my child is out of line, my child needs to respect that authority!

And yet many do not feel the same way. My husband once verbally disciplined a friend's child (6) while we were at their house. She was doing something that put herself and our daughter in danger, and when my husband asked her to stop she said to him - 'Well you're not my dad so I really don't have to listen to you!' :eek:

His friend called him the next day, upset with him about the incident, and had a long conversation about how he didn't like the 'tone' that my husband used with his daughter, and how he and his wife don't like to parent out of 'fear' and they feel that children need to make their own mistakes, dangerous or not. My husband calmly stated our case (that children shouldn't be allowed to make their own decisions in some cases, because they are not old enough to fully understand the consequences) and agreed that he would not discipline his daughter again.

They were good friends, but sadly, we haven't spent much time with them since. :( And my husband and I are in agreement that their child will not be invited to our house...because we have no authority over her and can't enforce our rules while she is here.

So Mrs. C, I think you are in the right to enforce your rules when it comes to how your child is being treated. Just be aware that other parents might not agree, in which case, you may have to distance yourself from them for the good of your child. :(

[tlm]

And my husband and I are in agreement that their child
will not be invited to our house...because we have no authority over her
and can't enforce our rules while she is here.

I wonder what would have happened if he (your husband) hadn't disciplined the child and she had gotten hurt? Would he (the father) have sued you for not keeping her safe? hmmm.

[Scotsman]

When my brother was principal of an elementary school in the mid-west, the school’s policy allowed strict discipline, if there was written permission from the parents on file.

One boy, whose parents refused to give permission for discipline, was sent to my brother’s office for blatantly disrupting the classroom. My brother’s secretary called a parent and instructed them to have someone at the child’s home because a police car would be arriving soon with their son. The son would not be allowed back in school for the next three days.

Within minutes my brother received an irate phone call from the boy’s father. The dad explained the hardship it would put on his family if the boy had to remain home for three days. He asked if every disobedient child was punished in like manner.

My brother informed the dad that his son was the only mis-behaved student in the school, Because the rest of the children, whose parents signed “the permission slip”, didn’t misbehave.

The father promised to come to the school immediately and sign the slip, in order to keep his wife from having to leave work early and to miss work for three days – unpaid.

My brother said, “It wasn’t necessary to come today, because the boy would NOT be allowed back in school for three days anyways. But, for FUTURE discipline a permission slip would have to be signed. Make sure someone is home when the police arrive. Good afternoon, sir.”

Scotsman

[tlm]

If they did that where I used to teach, they wouldn't have a lot of troubles in that town. Most of the school board, superintendent on down, do anything to appease the parents. Believe me, there is a whole lot of chaos in that town. Neither the children or parents have discipline. --Lots of drugs there, too!

[Scotsman]

Neither the children or parents have discipline.

Ouch! That is so true too often.

In a timely manner, “Dear Abby” addressed this serious problem in today’s column (07/16/07). A dainty, elderly grandmother was, for no reason, attacked by her six grandchildren, aged seven thru thirteen. They knocked her to the ground and beat her. Rather than be falsely accused of child abuse, she didn’t attempt to defend herself. The unapologetic parents finally stopped the kids, but offered no discipline. :confused:

Scotsman

[Mrs. C.]

We live in a society that will not come under God's authority, so therefore, parents can't inforce or they would be hypocrites. When I discipline or rebuke my children, they hear that God has put me and their dad in charge over them to protect and love them. They are learning that authority is God's way not just ours as parents. My 64 year old father thinks it is ridiculous that parents explain everything to children. He also grew up in the time when parents said, "because I said so." He always says how safe he felt growing up in the 50s and that kids didn't have the fears that children do today.

[Tommie Lyn]

He always says how safe he felt growing up in the 50s and that kids didn't have the fears that children do today.
I grew up in the 50s, and I'd have to agree with your father, I felt safe growing up. I didn't have the worries children today have. We were free to play, to go places, to do things I would never allow my grandchildren do today, because, with the crazies out there today, it isn't safe any more. I feel my grandchildren have been shortchanged, that their childhood experiences are, of necessity, very limited compared to mine.

By the same token, I also feel there are things they know that they shouldn't have to know, things that have chipped away at their innocence. I grieve for the current generation of children.

Another area in which I feel they've been shortchanged is in the because-I-said-so-authority which parents and other adults once wielded. It was freeing for me as a child, it gave me security and a solid foundation to stand on. I knew who was in charge, who was responsible for the decision-making. My responsibility was obedience. Sometimes, after watching the way some children behave who obviously lack that firm foundation, I wonder if they feel like they are walking on quicksand.

And I feel sorry for them.

[tlm]

Huh? Wasn't all that freedom for children to make decisions supposed to make them better people?

Too bad they couldn't see the TITANIC flaw in that thinking.

[P.K.mama]

I have always agreed with because-I -said-so. especially when the child is younger and they wouldn't understand the explanation anyways. I do however find myself in the past two years, on occasion, giving my reason to my 14 year old daughter. However, if she doesn't agree. I say tough luck I'm still the parent and you do it my way. I've found some of her friends, whose parents let them do anything, actually think it's cool that I'm so neurotic about things when they are at my house. Which they usually are because of their parents rules or lack of my daughter rarely goes there . One of her friends told me she actually went two week without saying a word to her parents or them to her. Their life was too busy. She found it weird, at first, that we spend most of our time together in the same room and that we talked about everything. She has now become a constant fixture in our home and we love it. I only wish her parents would begin to worry about her life and not their own.

[mbeachbum]

I agree that play times with children who use violence to get their way should be closely monitored or eliminated all together. If talking with the parents of the violent child does not improve the situation, then I would not let my child be near the other one.

In regard to the practice of explaining everything to a child, I have to say that I've had mixed feelings and experiences with that one. When my children got older, sometimes an explanation was in order, while at other times, explaining just led to rebuttal responses from them and the discussion went on and on and on. That was not a good situation. It would always end up as a "because I said so" situation, which made me wonder why I had tried to explain it all in the first place.

As a teacher, we, of course, can do little BUT try to explain. I've learned that even these discussions should be witnessed by another adult because sometimes when you try to calmly explain things to a student, their story later does not remotely match what actually happened.

[tlm]

I've learned that even these discussions should be witnessed by another adult because sometimes when you try to calmly explain things to a student, their story later does not remotely match what actually happened.

I NEVER allowed myself to be alone with a child. Since we weren't allowed to discuss matters in the hall because one parent might see another child and teacher in the hall, thereby causing the child to become embarrassed (maybe a little embarrassment would do the child some good) I had little chance to even talk to the child about his/her behavior. Ignoring bad behavior was all we could do. We were barely even allowed to reward the good children.